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Most countries spend a large amount of money in weapons to defend themselves though they are not at war. They should spend money to help the citizens in poor and disadvantaged countries. Discuss.

There is no doubt that military and national defense are important and essential for every country. However, the government should also pay out for settling the social problems in their regions as well as helping the developing nations.

Security is the highest priority in every country. It is rewarding to spend a large proportion of national budget in armies for countries to defend themselves and protect their citizens. In addition, terror threat is a vital reason to develop the military field. For instance, to cope with IS terrorist organization which is very dangerous and formidable, improving well-qualified armies with modern weapons are extremely important.

Nevertheless, a huge amount of money which can help millions of poor and sick people is spent for military’s facilities and weapons. For example, the cost paid for a tank can save thousands people who are starve, ill or lack education. Moreover, if these social problems can be completely terminated, some troubles such as violence, commotion and terror could be solved as well.

On the other hand, as a result of helping disadvantaged countries, not only can the law and order be regularly established and maintained but also the nation’s governments can solve some serious international problems such as environmental pollution, infectious diseases which cause epidemics and overpopulation which need the co-operations of all countries over the world.

In the nutshell, every country must focus and balance on both the military and social budgets to protect, improve and develop not only for an individual region but also the international livelihood.

(254 words).

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There is no doubt that military and national defense are important and essential parts of for every country. However, the government should also pay out for settling the social problems in their regions as well as helping the developing nations.

Security is the highest priority in every country. It is rewarding to spend a large proportion of national budget in on armies for countries to defend themselves and protect their citizens. In addition, (terror vẫn còn là ý ở trên nên ko dùng In addition được) terror threat is a vital reason to develop the military field. For instance, to cope with IS terrorist organization which is very dangerous and formidable, improving well-qualified armies with modern weapons are is extremely important (weak vocabulary) of top agenda/ of top priority.

Nevertheless, a huge amount of money which can help millions of poor and sick (low score vocabulary) impoverished  people is spent for military’s facilities and weapons. For example, the cost paid an expenditure for a tank can save thousands thousands of people who are starve starving, ill or lack education poorly educated. Moreover, if these social problems can (if type 2) could be completely terminated, some troubles (uncountable noun) issues such as violence, commotion and terror could be solved as well.

On the other hand, as a result of (chỗ này mình không biết sửa sao hợp lí) theo mình thì dùng if sẽ hay hơn helping disadvantaged countries, not only can the law and order be regularly established and maintained but also the nation’s national governments can solve some serious international problems such as environmental pollution, infectious diseases which cause epidemics (not necessary) and overpopulation which need needs/demands the co-operations (cooperation) (uncountable noun) of all countries over in the world.

In the nutshell (không nên dùng in the nutshell) In conclusion, every country must focus and balance on both the military and social budgets (uncountable noun) budget to protect, improve and develop not only for an individual region but also the international livelihood.

Task Response: 5.5 hoặc 6.0 (bạn trả lời được câu hỏi của bài, nhưng không đào sâu đủ để lên đc 6.5 hay 7.0)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 hoặc 6.0 (từ vựng ok hợp với chủ đề nhưng vẫn còn nhiều từ không hợp lí)
Grammar Accuracy and Range: 5.0 hoặc 5.5 (bạn còn sai nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp đơn giản)
Coherence and Cohesive: 5.5 (bài đọc chưa đc trôi chảy lắm, chỗ dùng In addition không hợp lí)
Overall: ~~ 5.75
 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (25 điểm)
được bầu chọn là bài viết hay nhất bởi

cảm ơn bạn rất nhiều vì đã bỏ thời gian để sửa 1 cách rất chi tiết cũng như cho mình 1 band điểm để mình có thể tiến bộ hơn. heart

ờm không có chi bạn, bài nằm trong khoảng 5.0 đến 6.0 bạn nhé :D Cẩn thận như tất cả những gì mình đã sửa thì có thể lên 6.5 hoặc 7.0

here is no doubt that military and national defense are important and essential parts of forevery country. However, the government should also pay out for settling the social problems in their regions as well as helping the developing nations.

Security is the highest priority in every country. It is rewarding to spend a large proportion of national budget in on armies for countries to defend themselves and protect their citizens. In addition, (terror vẫn còn là ý ở trên nên ko dùng In addition được) terror threat is a vital reason to develop the military field. For instance, to cope with IS terrorist organization which is very dangerous and formidable, improving well-qualified armies with modern weapons are isextremely important (weak vocabulary) of top agenda/ of top priority.

Nevertheless, a huge amount of money which can help millions of poor and sick (low score vocabulary) impoverished  people is spent for military’s facilities and weapons. For example, the cost paid an expenditure for a tank can save thousands thousands of people who are starvestarving, ill or lack education poorly educated. Moreover, if these social problems can (if type 2)could be completely terminated, some troubles (uncountable noun) issues such as violence, commotion and terror could be solved as well.

On the other hand, as a result of (chỗ này mình không biết sửa sao hợp lí) theo mình thì dùng if sẽ hay hơn helping disadvantaged countries, not only can the law and order be regularly established and maintained but also the nation’s national governments can solve some serious international problems such as environmental pollution, infectious diseases which cause epidemics (not necessary) and overpopulation which need needs/demands the co-operations(cooperation) (uncountable noun) of all countries over in the world.

In the nutshell (không nên dùng in the nutshell) In conclusion, every country must focus and balance on both the military and social budgets (uncountable noun) budget to protect, improve and develop not only for an individual region but also the international livelihood.

Task Response: 5.5 hoặc 6.0 (bạn trả lời được câu hỏi của bài, nhưng không đào sâu đủ để lên đc 6.5 hay 7.0)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 hoặc 6.0 (từ vựng ok hợp với chủ đề nhưng vẫn còn nhiều từ không hợp lí)
Grammar Accuracy and Range: 5.0 hoặc 5.5 (bạn còn sai nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp đơn giản)
Coherence and Cohesive: 5.5 (bài đọc chưa đc trôi chảy lắm, chỗ dùng In addition không hợp lí)
Overall: ~~ 5.75 


Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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