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Website Chuawritingmienphi là forum chữa bài miễn phí, được chữa từ chính cộng đồng học IELTS, các bạn hãy cũng nhau chia sẻ kinh nghiệm viết bài, cùng nhau chữa bài, góp ý, chung tay vì một cộng đồng học IELTS phát triển hơn nữa nhé.
Luật của Forum: Thành viên với mỗi góp ý bất kỳ tại forum sẽ nhận được số bài chữa tương ứng từ https://ieltsplanet.info/ khi thành viên đó có một bài viết mới tại forum, bài viết được chấm dựa trên format của British Council - sửa bài bởi các bạn có band Writing 7.5+

Các bạn xem bài chữa mẫu tại "http://bit.ly/baichuaW-demo"
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image

 

The pictures below illustrates the process produces chocolate. 

Overall, there are ten stages in the production of chocolate, beginning with planting cacao tree and ending with creating chocolate for sale.

In the first step, ripe red pods are harvested from cacao tree which is grown in S. America, Africa, Indonesia. In the second stage, pods harvested are split to take white cocoa beans for next step. In the third stage, the cocoa bean are fermented into a big wood box and then they are spread under sun to dry. After that, the cocoa bean which is dried put into large sacks and transported by train or lorry. Having delivered by transportation, they are taken to factory. Next, the neans are sorted about 350 Celsius and after they are removed outer shell and crushed into small pieces. The finally stage, the beans which is crushed will be pressed to create liquid chocolate produced.

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The pictures below illustrates [N1] the process produces chocolate.

Overall, there are ten stages in the production of chocolate, beginning with planting cacao tree and ending with creating chocolate for sale.

In the first step, ripe red pods are harvested from cacao tree which is grown in S. America, Africa, Indonesia. In the second stage, pods harvested are split to take white cocoa beans for next step. In the third stage,[N2]  the cocoa bean are[N3]  fermented into a big wood box and then they are spread under sun[N4]  to dry. After that, the cocoa bean which is dried[N5]  put[N6]  into large sacks and transported by train or lorry. Having delivered by transportation, they are taken to factory. Next, the neans[N7]  are sorted[N8]  about 350 Celsius and after [N9] they are removed outer shell and crushed into small pieces. The finally[N10]  stage, the beans which is[N11]  crushed will be pressed to create liquid chocolate produced[N12] .


 [N1]Grammar error:

If the subject is “the pictures”

  • Illustrate

If the subject is “the picture”

  • Illustrates

 [N2]You have been using the phrase “in the … stage” for a third times. You should consider using other structures.

 

Here is an example from the model answer:

“Following a period of fermentation, they are then laid out on a large tray so they can dry under the sun.”

In this sentence, stage 3 and 4 have been combined into one sentence which reduce the use of the phrase “in the … stage”.

 [N3]Grammar error: The subject is “the cocoa bean”

  • is

 [N4]Grammar error: Missing article “the’

 

Use “the” to refer to people or objects that are unique.

 

 [N5]Although this is a more complex structure, the way you are using it in this situation make your sentence unclear and you just make an grammar error.

 

There are several types of relative clause. In this case, you should use the shorten form which is:

“the dried cocoa bean”

 [N6]Grammar error: The subject is “the cocoa bean”

  • is put

 [N7]Spelling error: beans

 [N8]Do you mean “roasted”?

 

Also, if you are using roasted, consider using “at about 350 degrees Celcius”.

 [N9]You should write: “and after that,”

 [N10]“finally” is an adverb.

Consider using “final” (adj + noun)

Also, consider using “In the final stage” because you should rather repeat this phrase than using wrong phrase (you are missing “in”). Or just use “finally”

 [N11]Grammar error: the subject is “the beans”

  • are

 [N12]You should be careful not to copy everything from the diagram. This phrase in the diagram has the meaning: “the liquid chocolate is produced”. But if you use the whole phrase in the essay like that, it is a grammar error.

You should write: “to create liquid chocolate”

 

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CRITERIA

GRADE

COMMENT

 Task Achievement

7.0

• covers the requirements of the task
• presents a clear overview of main trends, differences or stages

• clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points but could be more fully extended

Coherence and Cohesion

7.0

• logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
• uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

Lexical Resource

6.0

• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

6.0

• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
• makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

Overall

6.5

Overall, your essay is good but there are some errors related to your word choices, collocation, word formation, and grammar structures. You should improve those aspects if you want a higher band score.

Overall, your essay is good but there are some errors related to your word choices, collocation, word formation, and grammar structures. You should improve those aspects if you want a higher band score.

 

0 phiếu

The pictures below illustrates  the process produces chocolate.

Overall, there are ten stages in the production of chocolate, beginning with planting cacao tree and ending with creating chocolate for sale. 

In the first step, ripe red pods are harvested from cacao tree which is grown in S. America, Africa, Indonesia. In the second stage, pods harvested are split to take white cocoa beans for next step.In the third stage  the cocoa bean are  fermented into a big wood box and then they are spread under sun  to dry. After that, the cocoa bean which is dried  put  into large sacks and transported by train or lorry. Having delivered by transportation, they are taken to factory. Next, the neans  are sorted about 350 Celsius and after  they are removed outer shell and crushed into small pieces. The finally stage, the beans which is  crushed will be pressed to create liquid chocolate produced .

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (95 điểm)

Update: Từ 30/4 Điểm bạn tích lũy được trên CWMP sẽ dùng để đổi quà (vé xem CGV (100 điểm/1 vé, thẻ cào điện thoại 150 điểm/thẻ 50k, khóa học IELTS Online (300 điểm/khóa 3 tháng)
Đăng ký quy đổi điểm tại: Form đổi điểm lấy quà"

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