Bài ielts task 1 - writing Zim

Question

The table illustrates data about the 4 main fuctions Vietnamese people used with mobile phone in three years ( 2005, 2008 and 2010).

It can be seen that while the percentage for Calls, texting and recording audio declined over the period, the opposite was completely true for Taking photo. It’s also evident that people almost used mobile phone for calling others in all years.

In 2005, Making calls witnessed the first position with total of users . The second and third belongs to messages and record audio with 82% and 78% respectively. After 3 years, there was a stability in call function which following by a slight downward trend by 3% in the year 2010, but Texting messages and recording kept falling through 5 years.

Of Taking photos, the using this type was the least common in the first two years but the figure for it went up to standing at second position at the end of period with 77%.

Answer 1

The table illustrates data about the 4 main fuctions Vietnamese people used with mobile phone in three years ( 2005, 2008 and 2010).

Chỉ cần dùng illustrates là dược rồi, nếu muốn dùng data/information thì phải là: gives data/information about...

It can be seen that Overall, while the percentage for Calls, texting and recording audio declined over the period, the opposite was completely true for Taking photo. It’s also evident that people almost used mobile phone for calling others in all years.

Theo mình thì it can be seen that có thể thay bằng Overall sẽ hay hơn. Vì câu tiếp theo bạn cũng dùng cấu trúc tương tự là It's also evident that... 

In 2005, Making calls witnessed the first position with total of users. The second and third belongs to messages and record audio with 82% and 78% respectively. In 2005, Making calls was the leading feature, followed by messages and record audio with 82% and 78% respectively. After 3 years, there was a stability in call function which following by a slight downward trend by 3% in the year 2010. but However, Texting messages and recording kept falling   underwent a negetive tendency which dropped by 15% through 5 years  at the end of the period.

In terms of Taking photos, the using this type was the least common (= prevalent) in the first two years but then the figure for it went up increased steeply to standing at the second position at the end of period with 77%.

Answer 2

It can be seen that while the percentage for Calls, texting and recording audio...
 => Mình nghĩ nên sửa thành "calling"

The table illustrates data about the 4 main...
 => nên sửa thành "illustrates" không hoặc là "give data/ information about". 1 trong 2 thôi nhé.

Of Taking photos, the using this type was type...
 => Bỏ "the using" đi thì hợp lý hơn ạ

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