Nhờ anh (chị) và các bạn nào có kinh nghiệm về Ielts writing chữa giúp em bài viết với ạ, em đang tự ôn Ielts và đây là lần đầu viết bài task 1. Rất mong nhận được góp ý của mọi người ạ. Thanks all.

Question

http://chuawritingmienphi.com/?qa=blob&qa_blobid=6913821314208220618

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overrall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.

Woman dominated the teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School above 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, where there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.

On the other hand, man outnumbered woman at teaching in high-level education. For example, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers.

Answer 1

Hello bạn, mình cũng tự học đây! 

Overrall > viết sai, bạn tự tra lại nhé

the percentage of female teachers was higher than male >>. mình chỉ cho bạn sau chữ male nên có 1 danh từ thay cho teachers để tránh bị lặp nhé > the percentage of female teachers was higher than male counterparts. 

gradual declined > gradually declined ( Trạng từ + Verb )

woman was by far the most common > không ai diễn đạt thế này đâu mà nên là it can be seen that almost women chose to teach.....

khi viết task 1 không nên dùng for example nhé. Nên to be more specific

Answer 2

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overrall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.=>> this sentence makes no sense

overall

 

Woman dominated the teaching proffession =>> teaching profession in Nursery School and Primary School at above 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, whereas there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.

On the other hand, man outnumbered woman at teaching in high-level education. For example, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers.

Answer 3

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overrall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School[W1]  while the figure for those who taught [W2] in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined[W3] . Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.[W4]

Woman dominated the teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School above 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, where there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.[W5]

On the other hand, man outnumbered woman at teaching in high-level education. For example, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers.

 

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I suggest that you attempt to rewrite on this topic basing on what I corrected, It would help to improve your skill fastly

 [W1]Expression error: Why do not mention ‘ Secondary school ’

 [W2]Expression error:

FIGURE + N ( SINGAL NOUN OR COMPOUND NOUN)

Figure for those people who teach

Taught (v) could you explain why use this verb in past present.

 [W3]Grammar error:

Gradually declined

 [W4]Grammar error:

Woman Women was were taught teach

Could you explain for me how to use ‘ why ’ as linking word ?

 [W5] I would like to recommend sturure for you insteady correcting single errors.

Body 1: Show up the figures for Nursery/Pre-school, Primary and Secondary school.

Body 2: Show up the figures for the rest of schools

 

Answer 4

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010 [1].

Overrall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined[2]. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children[3].

Woman dominated the teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School above 95% and 90%[4]. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, where there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers[5].

On the other hand, man outnumbered woman at teaching in high-level education[6]. For example, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers[7].

 

[2] trình độ học vấn cao hơn: upper education level à higher education /high-level education/

-  Thiếu động từ + dùng không đúng decline:

the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined à the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and higher education declined gradually.

 [4] sai chính tả: profession

Answer 5

Trong phần introduction bạn có thể làm rõ hơn 6 types để câu văn dài hơn nhé: The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types, particularly Nursery School, Primary school, Secondary school, College, Private training institute and University.

Answer 6

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the proportion of figure for those ( theo thầy mình dặn thì các vob chỉ phần trăm phải luôn theo sát từng câu để bám sát vào đề ấy) who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.( câu này mình không hiểu lắm)

Women dominated the percentage of teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School with 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, where there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.

As regard, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers. It is shown that man outnumbered women at teaching in high-level education

Answer 7

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the proportion of figure for those  who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradually declined. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.

Women dominated the percentage of teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School with 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, whereas there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.

As regard, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers. It is shown that man outnumbered women at teaching in high-level education

Answer 8

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of teachers following gender in 6 types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

Overrall, the percentage of female teachers was higher than male in Nursery School and Primary School while the figure for those who taught in Secondary School and upper education level gradual declined. Therefore, woman was by far the most common in lower level of education where taught for children.

Woman dominated the teaching proffession in Nursery School and Primary School above 95% and 90%. At Secondary and upper Secondary level this pattern was less pronounced, where there were nearly equal proportions of male and female teachers.

On the other hand, man outnumbered woman at teaching in high-level education For example, in the university, the percentage of male teachers was twice that for female teachers.

 

comment: 

- W1: overrall- overall

- W2: gradual declined - gradually declined

- W3: Bỏ câu " therefore,..." vì nó hơi mang tính đánh fias cá nhân

-W4; Nên  có sự so sánh giữa các số liệu , ko chỉ đơn thuần là liệt kê

Ex: the number of male techers in university was twice as high as that of female counterpart

W5 : nên gộp các đoạn phân tích vào làm 1, cả bài sẽ gồm 3 đoạn chính