Đề IELTS ngày 16/08/2014 - Task 2: In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move out of the cities and into regional areas. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Question

It is true that the industrialization and businesses are being encouraged to relocate in local area. While this brings some benefits, I argue that the disadvantages outweigh advantages.

There are some positive effects of companies and factories being relocated in regional area. Firstly, a large number of employees move to rural region to seek for jobs, which reduce population density in city. In addition, this will also resolve the traffic congestion problem currently occurring in urban area. Secondly, the living standards of rural dwellers will increase because they are given various opportunities to get  higher salary jobs. Parents make more money to support their family and allow their children to acquire higher education. Finally, available raw materials in the countryside can made used of, which help to save the cost of production. For example, food can be processed in a faster way in rural area without having to pay money for  production transportation to the city.

However, I believe that the movement of industries and businesses to local zone can trigger some bad consequences. The biggest problem may be the condition in local area is not good and sufficient enough, so it will be difficult  to develop industrial and economical fields successfully. Moreover, the goverments would have to spend a substantial amount of money in buiding and improving infrastructures. Finally, if people migrated from the city to countryside , infrastructure in urban  region would be left underused, which are unnessary waste. Therefore, the government should consider these problems carefully before deceiding on the relocation.

In conclusion mentioned above, I still feel that the industrialization should not be relocated in the countryside.

Answer 1

1. Về bố cục và cách viết thì mình thấy ok rồi vì hình như bạn theo phong cách đơn giản kiểu của Simon :)

2. Bạn nên sử dụng thêm một số từ như: industrilization, industrilize, suburb, ...

3. "The biggest problem may be the condition in local area is not good and sufficient enough," => mình nghĩ bỏ từ enough đi vì từ sufficient cũng có nghĩa tương tự rồi.

4. 2 ý cuối của đoạn 2 mình thấy nó chưa rõ ý và support cho disadvantages lắm :)

Đó là một vài ý kiến của mình.

 

Answer 2

It is true that the industrialization and businesses are being encouraged to relocate in local area. While this brings some benefits, I argue that the disadvantages outweigh advantages.

There are some positive effects of (on) companies and factories being relocated in regional area. Firstly, a large number of employees move to rural regions  to seek for jobs, which reduces population density in cities. In addition, this will also resolve the traffic congestion problem currently occurring in urban area. Secondly, the living standards of rural dwellers will increase because they are given various opportunities to get  higher salary jobs. Parents will be able to (mình nghĩ như này sẽ hợp lý hơn) make more money to support their family and allow their children to acquire higher education. Finally, available raw materials in the countryside can be made used of, which helps to save the cost of production. For example, food can be processed in a faster way in rural area without having to pay money for  production transportation to the city.

However, I believe that the movement of industries and businesses to local zone can trigger some bad consequences. The biggest problem may be the condition in local area is not good and sufficient enough, so it will be difficult  to develop industrial and economical fields successfully. Moreover, the goverments would have to spend a substantial amount of money in buiding and improving infrastructures. Finally, if people migrated from the city to countryside , infrastructure in urban  region would be left underused, which are unnessary waste. Therefore, the government should consider these problems carefully before deceiding on the relocation.

In conclusion mentioned above, I still feel that the industrialization should not be relocated in the countryside.

Answer 3

It is true that the industrialization and businesses are being encouraged to relocate in local areas. While this brings some benefits, I argue that the disadvantages outweigh advantages.

 

There are some positive effects of companies and factories being relocated in on regional areas. Firstly, a large number of employees move to rural region to seek for jobs, which reduces population density in city. In addition, this will also resolve the traffic congestion problem currently occurring in urban areas. Secondly, the living standards of rural dwellers will increase is improved because they are given various opportunities to get  higher salary jobs. Parents make more money to support their family and allow their children to acquire higher education. Finally, available raw materials in the countryside can made used of, which helps to save the cost of production. For example, food can be processed in a faster way in rural areas without having to pay money for  production transportation to cities.

 

However, I believe that the movement of industries and businesses to local zones can trigger some bad consequences. The biggest problem may be the condition in local areas is not good and sufficient enough, so it will be is difficult  to develop industrial and economical fields successfully(bạn nên nói rõ hơn cho ý này). Moreover, the goverments would have to spend a substantial amount of money in buiding and improving infrastructures. Finally, if people migrated from the city to countryside , infrastructures in urban  regions would be left underused, which are unnessary waste. Therefore, the government should consider these problems carefully before deceiding on the relocation.

 

In conclusion mentioned above, I still feel that the industrialization should not be relocated in the countryside.

Theo mình ở đoạn 3 bạn nên để từ “therefore” và “Finally” đổi chỗ cho nhau

Nếu ý kiến của bạn là hại hơn lợi khi khuyến khích phát triển kinh doanh , công nghiệp ở vùng nông thôn thì bạn nên đưa ra tác hại cụ thể hơn đọc bài viết của bạn mình thấy bạn vẫn chưa chứng minh được quan điểm của mình đã nêu ở đoạn mở bài. Đây chỉ là nhận xét của cá nhân mình, thực ra trình viết của mình cũng không cao lắm nên có gì không đúng bạn hãy góp ý để mình học hỏi nhé. Cảm ơn bài viết của bạn đã cho mình thêm kinh nghiệm, chúc bạn đạt kết quả cao

Answer 4

Chào bạn congacon,

Mình là Tính, xin được phép góp ý về bài của bạn như sau:

- Nhìn chung bài của bạn viết khá với bố cục rõ ràng . Mình xin được nhận xét bài của bạn theo tiêu chí chấm của giám khảo (phần này mình dựa trên stratetries của một bạn có nick name là Bear mà mình xem trên mạng) như sau:

1. Phần task fulfillment

- Phần này bạn làm khá tốt, đã trình bày đủ ý của task yêu cầu

2. Phần essay structure

- Bài của bạn cũng khá cân đối, tuy nhiên sẽ cân đối hơn nếu bạn viết body 2 nhiều hơn tí ( vì body 1gần 8.5 dòng mà body 2 chỉ có 6.5 dòng)

3. Phần academic vocabulary

- Phần này bạn chưa làm tốt lắm vì trong bài sử dụng ít academic words

4. Phần Grammar- structure grammar

- Bạn còn mắc lỗi spelling, hòa hợp giữa chủ từ và động từ ( số ít, số nhiều)

- Ngoài ra, bạn còn mắc lỗi lặp từ

- Phần cấu trúc, bạn cũng chứng tỏ được việc sử dụng đa dạng câu (relative clause, if), tuy nhiên để tốt hơn bạn cần dùng thêm dạng passive cũng như câu nhấn mạnh ( What I want to emphasize is that / What I want to say is that / What this will lead to is that..) mà trong sách IELTS khuyên dùng để đạt điểm cao.

* Mình xin góp ý trực tiếp trên bài của bạn để bạn dễ theo dõi

 

It is true that the industrialization and businesses are being encouraged to relocate in local areas. While this brings some benefits, I argue that the disadvantages outweigh advantages.

There are some positive effects of  (on) companies and factories being relocated in regional areas. Firstly, a large number of employees move to rural regions to seek for jobs (in search of job opputunities), which reduce population density in city. In addition, this will also resolve the traffic congestion problems currently occurring in urban areas. Secondly, the living standards of rural dwellers will increase because they are given various opportunities to get  higher salary jobs. Parents make more money to support their family and allow their children to acquire(access) higher education. Finally, available raw materials in the countryside can made used of, which help to save the cost of production. For example, food can be processed in a faster way in rural areas without having to pay money for  production transportation to the  city (cities).

However, I believe that the movement of industries and businesses to local zone (zones)can trigger some bad consequences. The biggest problem may be the condition in local area is not good and sufficient enough (insufficient), so (therefore), it will  (could) be difficult  to develop industrial and economical fields successfully. Moreover, the (bo) goverments would have to spend a substantial amount of money in (on) buiding (constructing) and improving infrastructures. Finally (Last but not least ) if people migrated (migrate) from the city to countryside , infrastructure in urban  regions would be left underused, which are unnecessary waste. Therefore, the governments should consider these problems (drawbacks)carefully before deceiding   (deciding) on the relocation.

In conclusion, for the above-mentioned above points,  I still feel am convinced that the industrialization should not be relocated in the countryside.

 

Chúc bạn thành công!

 

Tính

Answer 5

Bài của bạn có tổ chức khá logic. Tuy nhiên, mình nghĩ bạn nên xem lại cách dùng cụm danh từ. Chẳng hạn như: higher salary jobs-> more oppotunities to find jobs which have high salary.

population density -> the density of population

Đoạn body 2 bạn nên support các idea đã đưa ra. Vì sao nông thôn không đủ tốt để xây dựng khu công nghiệp? Chính phủ phải dành tiền để xây dựng cơ sở hạ tầng thì ở đâu cũng phải xây dựng. Cảnh quan làng quê thay đổi, điều này đến đến điều gì?

Thanks!