Lần đầu mình thấy một đề bài cụt lủn thế này.
It is noticeable that advertisers these days are making a fortune by capturing young children’s attention to their products and services. However, while some programs seem to be significantly effective, others may pose unforeseen hazardous consequences. Personally, I am of the opinion that children should not be made the targeted audiences of these advertising programs for the following reasons.
Mở Bài này đủ 8.0 hoặc hơn. Có cụm mình gạch thì theo mình không nên refer directly to these, nói chung chung là được rồi vì tên đề bài là advertisement.
Firstly, it is merely impossible for the authority to supervise the quality of every single piece of advertisement; as a consequence, misleading ads raise a concern over the adverse effect of them on children’s mind. This may lead to the consequences that the young people may adopt negative and aggressive behavior from the bad role models featured in these ads. Social media celebrities like Miley Cyrus, for example, are usually paid upwards to as much as $ 10,000 for wearing their fashion brands. However, recently, it has been widely agreed that Miley’s rebellious lifestyle would make her no longer an appropriate iconic star for teenagers.
Câu 1 dài quá thành ra mình không hiểu ý chính của bạn ở đây là gì?
Câu 2 bị lặp mấy cái liên quan tới consequence.
Nên lấy câu 2 làm tâm, viết lại câu 1 còn câu 3, 4 đi với câu 2 rất tốt. Hướng viết mình đã gạch ở trên.
Tuy nhiên, đoạn này thiếu một ý nữa. Chỉ duy nhất 1 ý là cụt lủn. Misleading info có thể ảnh hưởng tới health nữa.
Secondly and more importantly, according to scientific research, children under the age of seven cannot tell the difference between advertisement and entertainment. Consequently, it may make them more vulnerable and exploitable than their senior counterparts. It is specifically true while more children are gravitating towards new programs and digital devices these days than they were before. Further, if parents of those obsessed with kid products keep on pampering unquestionably their increasing demands, it is highly likely that their offspring will be spoiled rotten.
Câu 2 cần làm rõ ý, đại khái nên có sự liên hệ với advertisement không là bị hiểu thành off topic.
Câu 3 có liên hệ gì với câu 2? Sao không có liên từ?
In conclusion, it is irrefutable that advertising has both pros and cons. In my opinion, the government should curb the marketing by banning advertisement aiming at children under a certain age.
Viết lại cụm đó.
Mình cũng có 1 bài chủ đề của bạn, bạn xem thử đoạn cuối.
https://www.facebook.com/ipphanoi/photos/a.560907874037686.1073741828.519291378199336/596350777160062/?type=1&theater