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Topic: : With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (egg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In a modern society as today, the pressure of going to school with a good degree and afterwards having an ideal job is creating many stress matters for students. Therefore, some people not only tend to learn well academic subjects without caring about non-academic ones but also suggest removing them from the syllabus. However, it seems to me that I have a low opinion of this. Up to my thinking, those simple subjects are better choices to complete our personality for three reasons.

In the first place, non-academic subjects play an important role in making our body healthier. As we know, physical education is not a favorite subject of some girls which includes exercise, sports, such as volleyball, soccer, basketball,…They might have not found to know that these sports will help them improve your immure system, stave off illness as well as decrease your risk of cancer, heart disease and especially, reduce your tiredness after long classes. Having two or three periods each week, I can be sure to say that you will have a perfect health to learn well and feel energetic with every activity.

A second area to consider is that non- academic subjects give you an open mind. For instance, music supports learners lots of invaluable medicine to relax and reduce stress while cookery helps you develop your cooking skill, give you so much helpful information about nutrition too, art is also an interesting one which inspire you to enjoy yourself life by colors. These are effective ways to relax without fee because you are taught at school. Many people, however, pay a lot for these ideal activities on account of that they sure their life will be more colorful and enthusiastic if they put them in. All in all, an open mind for a student always goes with non- academic subjects.

Finally, It goes without saying that if mathematics, literature, sciences help you gain great knowledge; music, art, sports will assist you in getting more and more success in modern society. Today, we all know that any companies or organizations are looking forwards to accepting a recruit who is both good at professional knowledge and unprofessional one. In addition, having necessary skills in hand, you can feel more confident yourself in community. From this, you will be easier to record extraordinary achievements in work as well as in almost relationships. Again, I feel very strong that you will become an ideal person with skills which non- academic subjects bring to you.

On the other hands, Opponents give some reasons. They said that the more time students spend on academic subjects, the more chances they get better degrees when they leave school and as a result, they will have more opportunities to get a best job with many promotions. We also admitted that there are some people have a good job without these fields. However, these people succeed in their boring spirit, they will soon see that their life is cool. A story told that an excellent student became a madman on the spot after he was graduated from university. The main reason is that he had nothing but studying sciences, he didn’t know what sports is, what art is… As you see, education with non-academic subjects will be a wrong education which can kill students any time.

To sum up, It‘s terrible if people throw non- academic subjects away. These subjects are so important that we can say that they are keys of students ‘health, skills and success. Public should take them into consider more so that they become helpful as their means. You can image that if there were no music or sports in your class, the days you go to school would be how tedious.

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"They might have not found to know that these sports will help them improve your immure system

phần found to know nghe ko ổn lắm, mình nghĩ chỉ cần found là ok. 

your chuyển thành their và hình như system phải có "s"

"looking forwards to accepting a recruit" câu này chuyển thành looking for a recruit mình thấy hợp hơn 

"both good at professional knowledge and unprofessional one" good at both.. nghe đúng hơn thì phải?

 "get a best job" get a good job hoặc get the best job :)

"he was graduated from university" thành graduated

"These subjects are so important that we can say that they are keys of students ‘health, skills and success" chuyển câu này thành These subjects are so important to be considered as the keys of students 'health, skills and success' hoặc cách nào đó nghe thuận hơn và mượt hơn chút ^^

"You can image that if there were no music or sports in your class, the days you go to school would be how tedious" -> "Imagine if there were no music or sports in your class, how tedious your days in school would be?"

mình là dân ko chuyên nên chỉ góp ý được đôi chút cho bạn thôi, thấy nhiều người đọc mà ko ai comt cả :( mình có sửa sai hay nói ko đúng cũng góp ý giúp mình với nhé :D

 

 

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cảm ơn bạn nhiều nha ^^ các cmt của bạn rất bổ ích, mình sẽ rút kinh nghiệm! :D
he graduated là được rồi :D
2 votes
2 votes
Dear Banana 182,

I think that you should re-write it; your essay is 621 words, nearly 2.5 times as the test requirement. I dont think you will have time to finish task II within 60 minutes.

FYI, task II is mnimum of 250 words. There is no limitation of the word account, but you should organize your ideas to finish both tasks. And, task II should be completed with three sections: introduction, main bodies, and conclusion.

I do hope that it will help you.

Best regards,

Tam
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Thanks a lot for your useful comments, but I'm a new student, I don't know how to write to my essay shorter, would you mind helping me? :)))
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Dear Banana 182,
If you are a new student in writing, I think your essay is quite good for that. I am impressed in your vocabulary and your ideas.
The thing that you need to improve is to be familiar with IELTS Test and grammar.
Your essay structure is quite good; you divided it into four main body paragraphs for three reasons and one concession. Therefore, I think you should condense your main body paragraph. You may use two main body paragraphs and integrate your concession paragraph (the paragraph beginning with "However") into two main body paragraphs. In addition, you can sharpen your ideas by focusing on the following approach, namely issue, concession, explanation, and example. For each, you may need one sentence. As a result, your body paragraph has at least four sentences; it is quite good if one sentence has at least 15 to 18 words, so one main body paragraph has 60 to 72 words. You can organize your essay as you wish to reach your goal.
You can refer to some books on writing for IELTS for further recommendations or some websites on IETLS for writing.
I hope that this suggestion may help you some points.
Best regards,
Tam
Thanks so much! I think these comments are really very useful for me. Hope that you 'll help me more. Again, thanks and thanks! :D
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 "However, it seems to me that I have a low opinion of this."

Câu này dịch ra sao ajh, em dịch sao thấy lủng củng và khó hiểu,

Sao mình ko ghi là " However, I have a low opinion" em thấy it seems nó cứ thừa thừa sao ạ, hay là do em ko hiểu. em học TA còn yếu nên mong mọi ng giúp đỡ.

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cái này là giúp câu k theo xu hướng chủ quan ạ! :)
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includes exercise, sports, such as volleyball, soccer, basketball,....=> includes exercise, sports, such as volleyball, soccer and basketball (trong viết academic thì nên dùng and bạn à A and B A,B and C)

On the other hands =>on the other hand

Trong văn viết academic thì ko sử dụng " you" bạn nhé :)

Mình thấy idea của bạn tốt nhưng nên rút gọn lại. khoảng 300 words là đẹp :). Mình góp ý thêm một chút thôi :)) mình cũng viết ko đc tốt smiley

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11 points

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thanks all :)))
2 votes
2 votes

In a modern society as today, the pressure of going to school with a good degree and afterwards having an ideal job has created many stressful matters to students. Therefore, some people not only tend to learn well academic subjects without caring about non-academic ones but also suggest removing them from the syllabus. However, it seems to me that I have a low opinion of their views. Up to my thinking, those simple subjects are better choices to complete students personality for three reasons.

In the first place, non-academic subjects play an important role in making our body healthier. As it is known, physical education is not a favorite subject of some girls which includes exercise, sports, such as volleyball, soccer and basketball(Không cần dùng dấu ba chấm, nhớ là dùng and ở thành phần liệt kê cuối cùng) . They might not know that these sports will help them improve their immune system, stave off illness as well as decrease their risk of getting cancer, heart disease and moreover, reduce their tiredness after long classes. Having two or three physical education classes each week  can help students relax and concentrate better in class.( ko dùng periods vì period nghĩa là “ngày đèn đỏ”, câu của em sẽ là: có 2,3  giai đoạn đèn đỏ mỗi tuần tôi chắc rằng bạn sẽ khỏe J)
A second area to consider is that non- academic subjects give people open mind. For instance, music supports learners a large amount of (ko dùng lots vì informal)  invaluable medicine to relax and reduce stress while cookery helps people develop cooking skill, give them much helpful information about nutrition as well. Art is also an interesting subject which inspires students to enjoy themselves life by colors. These are effective ways to relax without fee because these subjects are freely- taught at school. Many people, however, pay a large sum of money for these ideal activities on account of making their lives happier and more enjoyable. All in all, an open mind for a student can always go with non- academic subjects. ( không khẳng định chắc chắn điều gì, nên dùng can, could, may, might)

Finally, It goes without saying that if mathematics, literature, sciences help students gain knowledge (again, ko khẳng định chắc chắn, đừng goes without saying nhé). However, music, art, sports can assist people in getting more and more success in modern society. Today, we all know that any companies or organizations are looking forwards to accepting a recruit who is both good at professional knowledge and unprofessional one such as physical ability and soft skills . In addition, having necessary skills in hand, students can become more confident in community. Thus, it will be easier for them to record extraordinary achievements at work as well as in almost allrelationships. Again, I feel very strong that a student can become a more ideal person by skills which non- academic subjects bring to them.

On the other hands, Opponents give some reasons. They said that the more time students spend on academic subjects, the more chances they can get better degrees when they leave school. As a result, they will have more opportunities to get better jobs with many promotions. We also admitted that there are some people have a good job without these fields. However, these people succeed in their boring spirit, they will soon see that their life is cool. A story told that an excellent student became a madman on the spot after he was graduated from university. The main reason is that he had nothing but studying sciences, he didn’t know what sports is, what art is… As people may see, education with non-academic subjects will be a wrong education which can kill students any time. Mình ko sửa đoạn này nhiều vì thấy bạn đang đi chệch hướng ra khỏi 1 bài acdemic writing. Đoạn body 1 thì rất academic nhưng đoạn này bạn chèn ví dụ ko hợp lý. Trong task 2 này nếu chèn ví dụ thì nên chèn research hoặc ví dụ minh họa đơn giản làm rõ ý thôi, đừng kể 1 câu chuyện.

To sum up, it is a bad idea if people take non-academic subjects off from the scholl syllabus These subjects are so important because they are keys of students ‘health, skills and success. Authorities should take them into consideration more so that they can become helpful as their goals. Imagine there were no music or sports in your class, the days at school would be how tedious.

 

:D Bạn làm tốt lắm. Nhưng nhớ là phải viết academic vào nhé. Không nên dùng I, we, you, our mà dùng bị động hoặc students, people, they :D. Chúc bạn tiến xa hơn. Chúng mình cùng giúp nhau học và góp ý nhé 

http://scholarshipplanet.info/check/193/violent-films-problems-solutions 

Đây là bài viết của mình. Các bạn cùng nhau góp ý để tiến bộ hơn nhé yeah yeah

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65 points

3 Comments

ok, chúng ta cùng góp ý để tiến bộ hơn nhé! Cảm ơn những lời nhận xét rất chi tiếc của bạn :))))
hihi ngồi gần 1 giờ đó vì type xong rồi lỡ tay del mất huhu
ok :)))) tối nay rảnh mình sẽ góp ý bài bạn nha!
1 vote
1 vote
Hi Banana, I read your essay and it's really beyond of a newbie, you made me surprised!!

As above, those useful comments reminded you of shortening your essay and I have same opinion.

I guess you are very good in using English, it seems you are in good process :D. However as I see from your essay, your essay style is a little bit complicated, you should simplify it.

Your grammar is great but don't abuse it too much on making sentence complicated. Your vocabulary is excellent compared to a beginner and even to me hehe but it needs to be more academic.

Beside, you should learn how to develop your evidence more specific and for me, my example is dependent on popular thing or heat issues. A tiny tip: Shouldn't use "..." :D.

I am also a newbie in IELTS writing but I got used to with the format and also the criteria in IELTS. Reading your essay made me more motivation in achieve the highscore in IELTS. Thank you anyway, Keep your chin up and I believe you can easily get 6.5 and above in writing.
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25 points

3 Comments

Hi Pham Viet Hung!
Thanks for all your comments, I'm really feel happy when reading these comments hehe. But, I don't know why you read my essay and then had more motivation? oh, in reality, after having finished this essay, I lost my hope for the highscore in ielts hihi :))). That 's so fun!
Ah when reading your essay, it somehow likes my writing style and some are better :D. I am also a newbie in ielts(about 3 months). When I tried in some exams, my scores ranged from 5.5 to 6.5 and I stopped my writing habit in a while. It's your essay that reminded me of remaining my writing and it may be improve someday ^^.
ok :)))) good luck to you in the next exams!!

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