Em mới bắt đầu luyện IELTS.Mong anh chị sửa giúp em và xem em được cở band mấy ạ

Question

 

A glance at the line graph provided reveals the porpularity of 2 new music websites in terms of visits.

As is highlighted in the graph, both of lines were widely fluctuation in the number of visitors. Morever, Pop Parade was generally higher than Music Choice over the given period.

From day 1 to day 9, the number of visits accessing to both of websites had downward trends. It went up and down widely over the first nine days. There was a significant decrease in the number of visits to Pop Parade by 80.000s from 120.000s while the number of visits to Music Choice sightly dropped from 40.000s to 20.000s.

Between day 9 to day 15, there was a dramatic rise of the number of visits to both of websites. For Pop Parade, it was a fluctuated increase, climbing to approximately 150.000s followed by a sharp drop of around 80.000s before reaching a peak of about 170.000s. For Music Choice, it reached a peak of around 120.000s on day 14 and dropped to about 70.000s on day 15.

Answer 1

Task 2 quyết định số điểm em ah. Mà thực ra các bạn ở đây (+chị) có đưa ra đánh giá band mấy đi chăng nữa cũng ko phải là căn cứ để em có thể dựa vào đó mà luyện đâu. Đánh giá của mỗi người một khác, và quan trọng là đó không phải là của examiner.

Answer 2

From day 1 to day 9, the number of visits accessing to both of websites had downward trends. It went up and down widely over the first nine days. There was a significant decrease in the number of visits to Pop Parade by (to)  80.000s from 120.000s while the number of visits to Music Choice sightly dropped from 40.000s to 20.000s.

Between day 9 to day 15, ( lặp cấu trúc ) there was a dramatic rise of the number of visits to both of websites. For Pop Parade, it was a fluctuated increase, climbing to approximately 150.000s followed by a sharp drop of around 80.000s before reaching a peak of about 170.000s.( câu này quá dài, sử dụng câu có ngữ pháp quá phức tạp sẽ rất dễ mắc lỗi )  For Music Choice,( tương tự, lặp cấu trúc ) it reached a peak of around 120.000s on day 14 and dropped to about 70.000s on day 15.

Mình nghĩ bạn có thể sửa các lỗi lặp cấu trúc bằng việc thay đổi như "for the next 6 days" hay đổi "day 15" thành "the last day" thì hay hơn :)

Comments

tks bạn nhiều

---

- mình có viết 1 bài cùng đề bài với b trên, mình mới viết nên chắc còn nhiều chỗ sai sót, b xem chỉ giùm mình với nhé, thank b nhiều...

The graph show changes in the number of people who used internet to listen two new music in fifteen days. ( including music choice and pop parade )

Both music choice and pop parade rates rose over the period show, but the figures for music choice were significantly higher. Net music choice peaked in the fifteen day.

On the first day, the propotion of people using the Internet to listening music  on the music choice was about 120.000s. The figures for pop parade were lower, around 40.000s. After 7th day, both music choice and pop parade fell to around 30.000s. This is the lowest viewer during fifteen days of both.

In the last day, the proportion of Internet viewers was highest in music choice about 170.000 viewers, compared to about 80.000 music lovers in pop parade.