IELTS Writing task 1- Bar ngày 25/05

Question

The tables illustrate the amount of money spent on Fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in two years 1999 and 2004 in five different countries in European.

Overall, it is clear that the sales of Fairtrade-labelled coffee rose in 5 European countries in the year 1999 and 2004, while the amount spent on bananas dropped in two countries. Besides, the UK was spent mostly on coffee and bananas.

In 1999, Switzerland spent most on Fairtrade-labelled coffee at 3 millions of euros and the UK had the highest sales of bananas, at 15 millions of euros. While the Fairtrade coffee had the lowest turnover in Sweden and Denmark had the lowest sales of bananas.

The year 2004 witnessed a significant increase in the amount of spent on Fairtrade coffee and bananas in the UK. Specifically, in the year 2004, the sales of coffee and bananas in the UK had increased to 20 and 47 millions of euros. While the figure for Fairtrade coffee and bananas in Switzerland increased to 6 and 5.5 millions of euros; and the revenue from Fairtrade coffee and bananas rose slightly to 2 and 4 millions of euros. By 2004, while the revenue from Fairtrade coffee and bananas in 3 countries had increased, the sales of Fairtrade coffee and bananas in 2 countries Belgium and Sweden had fallen.                                         

                

 

Answer 1

Two tables illustrate the statistics of sales in millions of euros from fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in 1999 and 2004 collected in five different countries in Europe.

In overview, the revenue of coffee and bananas in five nations tent to be forward from 1999 to 2004. The growth was greatly different among each country and each product. The distance in sales among areas was up and down around 1 million of euros except UK in 1999 but became further in 2004.   

In 1999, Denmark was the leader in sales of coffee with turnover of 1.8 million, while UK took the first rank in sales of bananas with 15 million. In contrast, Denmark kept the lowest millions of euros in sales of bananas which was only 0.6 million in the same year. After a demi-decade, there was a noticeable in growth of UK, its sales in coffee surged significantly from 1.5 to 20 million of euros and sales in bananas jumped over three times from 15 to 47 million of euros. In addition, in 2004, most of countries burgeoned in sales of both products apart from Sweden. Its sales of bananas dwindled over a half from 2 to 0.8 million. 

 

Nhờ các bạn góp ý bài giúp mình nha.

Answer 2

Assessment:
Task Achievement: 7.5-8.0
Coherence & Cohesion: 8.0-8.5
Lexical Resource: 7.5-8.0
Grammatical range & Accuracy: 7.0-7.5
Overall: 7.5-8.0
Bh mình sẽ đi nhận xét vào từng phần:

A.Task Achievement: 
1.Overview sạch, rõ ràng song key features chưa bao quát hết toàn bộ nội dung table
2.Key features:
Option 1:
-  Doanh số coffee nhiều nhất (UK), doanh số coffee thấp nhất (Sweden), doanh số gia tăng lớn nhất (UK), doanh số gia tăng ít nhất (Denmark & Sweden).
- Tương tự với banana 
Option 2:
- Doanh số coffee và bananas lớn nhất năm 1999 (lần lượt là Switzerland và UK), doanh số coffee và bananas ít nhất năm 1999
- Tương tự với 2004
- Thay đổi từ 1999 đến 2004 (nếu đủ thời gian)
Nếu lựa chọn option 2 thì sẽ rắc rối hơn và như bài bạn làm sẽ là overview sự thay đổi qua từng năm của cả 5 nước, sau đó chỉ ra nước nào có doanh số lớn nhất về coffee và banana. Nhưng mình nghĩ làm cách đấy nó sẽ không thể bao quát hết được những giá trị cực đại và cực tiểu. Thành ra lúc mà nhìn vào thì đúng là bao quát thật nhưng chưa cụ thể để đạt được band cao
Example của mình: Overall, in two years, while the highest revenue spent on coffee went to UK and the lowest of that went to Sweden, bananas sales witnessed the highest and the lowest of that in UK and Belgium respectively. Additionally, UK exhibited the most noticeable growth in both coffee and bananas' turnover which contrasts to the least increase of coffee's sales of Denmark and Sweden and the sole drop of bananas' sale of Sweden throughout 5 years' time.

B. Coherence & Cohesion
1. Linking devices: Có nhiều nhưng đôi chỗ chưa dùng đúng. while phải đặt trong hai vế (clause) đối ý nhau chứ không thể nào so sánh 2 sentence riêng biệt bằng dấu chấm câu như cậu làm (mặc dù câu cuối cậu làm đúng).
2. Good referencing: Tớ nghĩ nếu để thông tin trong brackets thì sẽ tiện hơn và nhớ nếu ghi 5 countries thì phải list ra nhé, nó sẽ informative hơn hẳn

C. Lexical Resource
1. Suffcient range of vocab: Tốt (có một số lỗi như amount of money spent on nhớ chú ý)
2. Less common world: thay amount of money spent = revenue = turnover = sales như cậu là oke đấy
Ngoài ra trong bài thống kê số liệu để nhắc đến số liệu của một đối tượng thì có thể là A has seen, A exhibits, A displays cho đa dạng hơn nhé

D. Grammatical range & accuracy
1. illustrates  
2. in the year 1994 and 2004

3. Besides, the UK was spent mostly

Đấy một số lỗi tớ nhìn thấy
Tổng quan: Bài của cậu đạt đủ yêu cầu và rõ ràng về bố cục của band 7 xong cậu nên bố trí feature cụ thể hơn và một số lỗi nhỏ để được điểm cao hơn nhé!

 

Comments

Cám ơn bạn nhé <3

Answer 3

Many criminals nowadays become good citizens after being released from prison. It is believed that they are the most suitable people to talk to children about the horror of committing crimes. Personally, I agree with this idea.

On the one hand, It is the fact that the way children are taught about criminal activities is quite boring. The traditional approach, having teachers who citing laws is extremely theoretical and uninteresting.  Therefore, students will find it no interest in following to these classes. Having  police officers sharing about crime experience is outdated and it just relates to one side of the story. As a result, it is clear that having a ex-criminals to share their own stories and how they turned to be good citizens would definitely a valuable experience for toddlers.  For example, in Vietnam, the students always have a chance to see s.o who did a wrong thing but then realized their mistakes and strive to become better.

On the other hand, it is obvious why there are concerns about ex-cons being closed to their students.  Firstly, there fear that students who didn’t have deep understanding about the truth, consequently they will try to imitate these unethical behaviors, which leads to the increase of crime rate. However, these concerns should not be concerned at all. The ex-cons are mostly law abiding, therefore they may not harm children by telling mislead information. In addition to this, the meetings always be supervised strictly by teachers and parents, so it would be totally safe for these pupils.

In conclusion, although many people would argue that ex-criminals’ experiences would be harmful, I believe that this is a innovative way to teach educate children on the dangers of breaking the laws.

Answer 4

nhìn chung, tớ thấy ý tưởng bài bạn khá ổn. Bên cạnh đó, bạn nên để ý về ngữ pháp nhé. ví dụ như là:

 "illustrate"
 "in the year 1994 and 2004"

"the UK was spent mostly"