Task 1, Writing Collin IELTS

Question

Đây là bài của mình, mong mọi người góp ý (mình mới học IELTS, mình có xem phần đáp án gợi ý và viết lại)

The bar chart illustrates the gender distribution of teachers in different educational institutions from nursery school to university in UK in 2010. It shows what percentage of teachers were male and what percentage of teachers were female.

It is clear from the chart that male teachers held a large share of teaching posts in higher-level institutions whereas female teachers predominated in schools for children. In the institutions for older children and young adults, this rates were more equal.

In nursery and primary school, the proportion of women teachers was over 90 per cent, the figures for man teachers in this two educational settings were very low, just under 10 per cent. In university, there were twice as many male teachers as female teachers.

The number of males and females were the same in college, 50 per cent. There were gender gaps in secondary school and private training institute but they were slightly small, fluctuated around 5 per cent for both of mentioned institutions.

161 words. 

Answer 1

Mình cũng mới học ielts nên ko chắc chắn ngữ pháp để sửa cho bạn :D Nhưng về nội dung thì mình nghĩ bar chart rất cần nêu bật được sự so sánh giữa các group. Theo mình thì bạn nên nói rõ kiểu như nhóm nào có tỉ lệ cao nhất, tỉ lệ thấp nhất, đối lập với đó là sự cân bằng, ...  Mình thấy ở 2 đoạn cuối, bạn có chú ý đến điều đó, nhưng có lẽ dùng các mẫu câu so sánh thì hay hơn :)