INTRO: ..... While I agree that those kinds of (nghe hơi nặng nề, mang ý negative nhiều hơn) => those people should give responsibilities for the youngsters,
BODY: .... For example, behaviors, if their parents behave badly, they (they ở đây là ai, dễ nhầm là parents => children/ youngsters) could imitate and behave as their parents do. In addition, teachers and guardians,(who understand their children and take care of them from => since/ when they were born) => mệnh đề quan hệ, thiếu vế câu.. Therefore, those people know well their children’s characteristic (are albe to understand their children's characteristic well), which supports them to give reasonable advices for the children to change their unhealthy ways of living.
However, it is not only that teachers and guardians but also governments need to be in charge of (không mang nghĩa "chịu trách nhiệm") finding a solution. The first and most ??? important thing is governments should ban junk food advertising on TV and other mass media. This has led to a decline in junk food consuming by young people. Moreover, governments should force schools adding physical subjects into young people’s timetable. That => This could probably helps youngsters avoid (chia động từ sai) their sedentary lifestyle.
In conclusion, while teachers and guardians should help their children to avoid unhealthy way in living, I believe that the issue will be solved much easily with supports from governments.
- Ngữ pháp: Chia sai động từ, thiếu mệnh đề quan hệ, thiếu vế câu
- Lỗi dùng từ: dùng sai đại từ hoặc là đại từ ko rõ ràng
- Vocab: Cũng có một số từ học thuật như : sendentary, imitate ...
-Một lỗi quan trọng: LẠC ĐỀ. Đề bài chỉ nói về parents and schools ko đề cập đến government. => Lạc đề => Mất rất nhiều điểm phần task achievement.
Bandscore:
Task achievement: 5.0 (maximum)
Coherence and cohesion: 6.0
Lexical resource: 6.0
Grammatical range and accuracy: 5.5