Although I'm not a native speaker, hopefully my feedback can help you
It is true that our global is coming hotter every day ( You can write it more academically : It is apparent that the globe temperature is rising at an alarming level ) and global warming is a concerning phenomenon which requires us to mitigate some arising problems. There are several reasons for these issues and various measures could be put into action by government and individuals to resolve global warming.
Note : ' discuss' is a transitive verb, so it must come with a noun. e.g 'discuss the effects of air pollution'
There are some reasons resulting in global warming. One reason is that the large amount of emissions from industrial parks and transportation ( ? ). It has been estimated that over 70% emissions of industrial parks is discharged directly to the atmosphere without treatment. ( " without restrictions" is way better ) This is a predominant factor destroying the ozone layer. Furthermore, the demand of numerous individuals in using their personal cars. This makes escalating rates of CO2. Therefore/ As a result, factories and vehicles are the primary reasons of climate change.
> In the first sentence, eliminate the word ' that' because it is reduced relative clause.
I highly recommend you should pay more attention when using relative clauses so as to avoid grammatical errors. This is a vital grammar structure, so try to improve your writing skills as well as your IELTS score by using correctly relative clauses.
> The second sentence was not completely written. 'the large amount of emission from industrial parks and transportation' is a subject, so a verb must follow it. I suggest you should rewrite it as : the large amount of emission from industrial parks and transportation increases considerably/ remarkably
> I'm not sure about this, but I think it is better for you to write " carbon dioxide" instead of CO2.
Another problem is deforestation. As we know, forests, which produce oxygen to maintain the existence of humans, flora and fauna, are being cut down each day. Trees and plants play a vital role by absorbing emissions such as CO2. Needless to say/ It goes without saying that, burning forests for agricultural and non- agricultural lands becomes popular and we are losing magical machines to protect the environment.
> Try not to use informal phrases such as " As we know", " I reckon" , " We know that" ,etc.
> ' Nevertheless' is completely wrong in this context
Your strengths :
- good ideas and relevant to the topic
- task achievement
- " predominant " is an academic word, really good !
So that's all, I have to say.
Best of luck !