“ Global warming is one of the most serious issue that the world is facing today. What are the cause of global warming and what measures can governments and individuals take to tackle the issue?” [closed]

Question

It is true that our global is coming hotter every day and global warming is a severe problem which require us to discuss immediately. There are several reasons for this problem and various solution could be taken by government and personal to improve the situation.
           There are some reasons that resulting in global warming. One reason is that large amounts of emission from industrial parks and transportation. It has been estimated that over 70% emission of industrial parks is discharged directly to the atmosphere without treatment. This is a predominant factor to destroy the ozone layer. Furthermore, the demand of human in using the own car increasingly. This makes escalating rates of CO2. So, factories and vehicle is the first reason of climate change.
             Another problem is deforestation. As we know, forest, which produce oxygen to maintain the existence of human, flora and fauna, is being cut down each day. Trees and plants play a part by absorbing emission like CO2. Nevertheless, burning forest for agricultural and non agricultural land become popular and we are losing a magic machine to help environment better.
             There are several actions that government and individuals could take to solve the problems described above. Government need to introduce laws to limit emissions from factories and have heavy penalties for breaking the law situations. In protecting forest, government should organize more green days to raise the awareness of citizen. Also, investing in building a forest protecting system is a priority of government. Besides, individual are responsible for taking to reduce emission. Such as: Using public transport more instead of owner cars or if the distance is not far, we can walk or ride a bicycle that is good both health and atmosphere around us. Moreover, individual have to conserve forest by detection and denunciation cases of deforestation.
              To conclude, it is clear that there are various reasons for global warming and solutions need to be taken to tackle this problem from governments and individual to minimize this worrying threat.

Answer 1

Although I'm not a native speaker, hopefully my feedback can help you

It is true that our global is coming hotter every day ( You can write it more academically : It is apparent that the globe temperature is rising at an alarming level ) and global warming is a concerning phenomenon which requires us to mitigate some arising problems. There are several reasons for these issues and various measures could be put into action by government and individuals to resolve global warming. 

Note : ' discuss' is a transitive verb, so it must come with a noun. e.g 'discuss the effects of air pollution'

 There are some reasons resulting in global warming. One reason is that the large amount of emissions from industrial parks and transportation ( ? ). It has been estimated that over 70% emissions of industrial parks is discharged directly to the atmosphere without treatment. ( " without restrictions" is way better )  This is a predominant factor destroying the ozone layer. Furthermore, the demand of numerous individuals in using their personal cars. This makes escalating rates of CO2. Therefore/ As a result, factories and vehicles are  the primary reasons of climate change.

Notes :

> In the first sentence, eliminate the word ' that' because it is reduced relative clause.

I highly recommend you should pay more attention when using relative clauses so as to avoid grammatical errors. This is a vital grammar structure, so try to improve your writing skills as well as your IELTS score by using correctly relative clauses. 

> The second sentence was not completely written. 'the large amount of emission from industrial parks and transportation' is a subject, so a verb must follow it. I suggest you should rewrite it as :  the large amount of emission from industrial parks and transportation increases considerably/ remarkably 

> I'm not sure about this, but I think it is better for you to write " carbon dioxide" instead of CO2. 

Another problem is deforestation. As we know, forests, which produce oxygen to maintain the existence of humans, flora and fauna, are being cut down each day. Trees and plants play a vital role by absorbing emissions such as CO2. Needless to say/ It goes without saying that, burning forests for agricultural and non- agricultural lands becomes popular and we are losing magical machines to protect the environment.

    Notes :

> Try not to use informal phrases such as " As we know", " I reckon" , " We know that" ,etc.

> ' Nevertheless' is completely wrong in this context 

Your strengths : 

- good ideas and relevant to the topic 

- task achievement 

- "  predominant " is an academic word, really good ! 

So that's all, I have to say. 

Best of luck !

 

 

 

Comments

thank you so much, your feedback is so useful to me<3

Answer 2

Source:https://s3-ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/ielts.forums/Global-warming-is-one-of-the-most-serious-issue-that-the-world-is-facing-today_Correction.docx

CRITERIA	GRADE	COMMENT
Task Achievement	6	• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others • presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive • presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion	5.5	• arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression • uses some cohesive devices, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical • may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately • uses paragraphing, but not always logically
Lexical Resource	5.5	• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task • attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy • makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy	5	• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms • makes some errors in grammar and punctuation and they reduce communication
Overall	5.5

 

 

Comments

thank you so much, thank for your editing<3