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Topic: All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main causes of this? What are the effects?

Answer:

The recent years are witnessing an alarming growth in the number of overweight people. It is extremely easy to find what the main causes and effects this phenomenon has on the daily life. This essay will directly point them out before a recommendation is made.

Firstly, scientists have shown that laziness is the most important reason of weighty problems, followed by fastfood. For instance, as power-driven vihicles become more popular,  many officers hesitate to go on food or ride bicycle to work. With the consumption of fried-food moving in tandem, fat will pile up, assemble and is gradually hard to be got rid of. Thus, indolence of exercising and ingestion of fastfood have been proven to be the two most important incitements of overweightage.

The primary effects deriving from these reasons are health-related diseases. For example, a vast majority of diabetes and high blood pressure sufferers in Vietnam and other ASEAN countries is considered to be the main influences of overweight. To make things more serious, researchers have forecasted that the number of these diseases will even exponential multiply faster in the future. Therefore, health issue is likely to be the most seeable consequences being able to taken by overweight people.

As this look has stated, diabetes and high blood pressure mainly come as results of the inactiveness and overeating fastfood among overweight people. These seem to be the most principal causes and effects of the growth in overweight people rates which is a very worrying obstacle for humanity. It is thus hoped that scientists must co-operate to find out suitable solutions and concurrently give recommendation to raise the knowledge of consumers about this.

 

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Hi guy, here is my comments:
1, causes and effects that this... ( the second line in the beggining )

2, as this look has been stated ( the first line in the conclusion )

3, personally, i think you should stop at (...) Asean countries , do not write " is considered ... overweight" because it make the meaning of sentence relatively obscure

4, in my view, you should use 'will' instead of " must" in the statement that " It is hoped that ... to find out .. "

In general , i thick your essay is clear and easy to understand, it has a few small  mistakes

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2 Comments

Thank you for your comment! This is only my third essay, are you sure it is worth band 7?
indeed, my band given you is to encourage you to make more  efforts :)
I am not an examiner, good luck !

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