in the event of recent studying how to write IELTS, I feel your task is simply good in general. However, I have several recommendations 4 ya, hope it could not be impervious to you somehow :))))
1/The topic: Whether there is someone achieve their aims is mostly by a question of luck
2/There is a plenty of mistakes in spelling as well as grammatical error: bron (born), he never giveS up (actually those talented people mentioned it your essay is belong to the past so you should you past simple instead).
*Success (n) => successful (adj) => succeed (v) (not succesed : wrong) => succession (n) (sự liên tiếp)-These vocabs are family word of success
3/It's much better to lead a quote from Thomas Edison-a genius inventor for the purpose of supporting your ideas
In case of not remembering exactly his quote, just try to paraphase or express with your own word. I'll show you my example.
"As a matter of fact, Thomas Edison-a genius inventor had claimed that determination and perseverance (sự kiên trì bền vững) contribute 99% to the success and the rest proportion-1% is thanked to lucky fortune."
4/I do believe that identified subjects should NOT BE mentioned in formal essay, particularly in IELTS writing. To be more specific, "they, him, it, ..... (you,I,she... bla bla)" are in connection with this problem. So may suggestion for you is try your very best to convert your idea into nouns phrase in order to be more formal instead of using clauses with those subjects. I'll do an example for you to be clearer:
"In the event of growing up from wealthy familes, a remarkble profusion of succesful business man has finally fulfilled ambitions. To be more specific, thanks to financial support, it is much easier and more comfortable for the rich and wealthy so as to establish brand new business companies at an early time. In other words, comparing to those coming from poverty, golden opportunities is unfailingly (always) given to the abundant.
5/Practical experience and examples are great, but I advise you to explain as much as you can, don't rely too much on giving example without explanation.
6/It appears to me that at first you advocated for determination as the key factor of success. Nevertheless, in the conclusion, it seems you partial agree, which means 50-50, therefore, your restatement looks to be off your previous point of view. In addtion, the subject at the end "it" is relating to nothing?????? (WTF). One more important thing, recommendation/warning/prediction should be offered in the ultimate paragraph-the conclusion, don't be so short.
7/Eventually, due to your 1st experience of writing IELTS, I would give you a 6.5 point to encourage. But under the circumstance of coincidence of ideas, it means that your viewpoint clashes with most everybody's, this could lead to the reduction of your mark. Consequently, try to make difference along with applying and using more advanced words
That's all my comments for your essay, thanks for reading :)))))