bài writing task 1 mong mn sửa và cho em điểm nhé, many thanks [closed]

Question

The data given in the graphs illustrate the percentage of energy production of 5 parts( gas, coal, petrol, nuclear and other) in France in 1995 and 2005 
Overall, Coal accounted for the largest percentage of energy production, while other was the smallest of total between 1995 and 2005 
In 1995, the percentage of coal was the highest at 29.80%, followed by the number of gas and petrol were 29.63% and 29.27% respectively. By constrat, nuclear which was produced 6.40% of total energy and other was the smallest at 4.90% 
After 10 years, coal and gas increased dramatically at 30.93% and 30.31% respectively. However, the product of petrol was a sign fall by 10% to 29.95% in 2005. the figure of 2 energy remaining rised significantly( 10.10% and 9.10%)

Answer 1

The data ( what kind of diagrams ?) given in the graphs illustrate the percentage of energy production of 5 parts( gas, coal, petrol, nuclear and other) in France in 1995 and 2005 

Overall, Coal accounted for the largest percentage of energy production, while others was the smallest of total between 1995 and 2005 
In 1995, the percentage of coal was the highest at 29.80%, followed by the number of gas and petrol were 29.63% and 29.27% respectively. By constrat, nuclear which was produced 6.40% of total energy and other was the smallest at 4.90% 
After 10 years, coal and gas increased dramatically at 30.93% and 30.31% respectively. However, the product of petrol was a sign(sign is a noun , not adj , so it cant be stand front of a noun as " fall" ) fall by 10% to 29.95% in 2005. the figure of (wrong - it has to be " for ") 2 energy remaining rised significantly( 10.10% and 9.10%)

 

Overall :

- em viết tạm ổn, overall rõ ràng . Nhưng vẫn còn lỗi sai ngoài mấy cái a liệt kê chính ra cho thấy . 

-Ngôn từ em dùng vẫn còn "nghèo" và đa phần đều theo 1 cấu trúc S+V(to be ) + O , chưa thấy compound , complex structure thì sẽ không xét tới những cái khác

TR: 4

CC: 5

LR : 4

GRA : 4

Band score : 4.5 . Practice makes perfect

Comments

em cảm ơn anh, e sẽ tham khảo và sửa ạ :D

Answer 2

Theo mình, trong overall bạn nên thêm so sánh của  nuclear.nó cũg là 1 đặc điểm đáng chú ý sau 10 năm. Sử dụng thêm so sánh hơn nữa, dùng ít số cụ thể.
nếu mình viết chắc cũng được bấy nhiêu àh:))
xin lỗi, sao cứ bắt phải có 300 từ nhận xét thế.
nguồn lực chỉ có vậy,đâu dám nhận xết nhiều @@
Thân.^^.

Comments

overall theo em thì chỉ cần cái nhất và cái ít nhất là vừa :D nhưng cũng cảm ơn chị vì giúp em nhé!! :D

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Cha nội nào cứ ấn bình chọn làm bài này bị đóng, không đưa thêm bình luận được. Xem tạm ở đây nhé.

The data given in the graphs The two pie charts (cho gì nói nấy, không cần cầu kỳ) illustrate compare (nếu là từ này thì chỉ cần mỗi từ này)/ give information/ data about the percentages of energy production of 5 parts( gas, coal, petrol, nuclear and other) five types of energy production in France in 1995 and 2005.

Overall, Coal accounted for the largest percentage of energy production, while other was the smallest of total between 1995 and 2005 over the 20-year period.

Nhận xét riêng cho dễ nhìn:

1. Cả gas và coal đều đóng vai trò chính, không chỉ mình coal.

2. Dùng while là hợp lý nhưng lưu ý vế đầu là về 2 nguồn này thì vế sau là về other types of energy/ sources of energy.

3. Khi bạn chia Overall ra như vậy thì 2 đoạn sau cũng tương ứng, đoạn đầu là về gas và coal luôn nhé.

In 1995, the percentage of coal was the highest at 29.80%, followed by the number of gas and petrol were 29.63% and 29.27% respectively. By constrat, nuclear which was produced 6.40% of total energy and other was the smallest at 4.90%.

After 10 years, coal and gas increased dramatically at 30.93% and 30.31% respectively. However, the product of petrol was a sign fall by 10% to 29.95% in 2005. the figure of 2 energy remaining rised significantly( 10.10% and 9.10%).

Bạn sửa theo gợi ý của mình nhé. Nếu viết theo hướng này thì người ta sẽ nhìn ngay ra điểm khác biệt của từng nhóm đối tượng.