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Mọi người sửa dùm mình nhé, cảm ơn mọi người!

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

There is no doubt that many people find it easy to approach video games nowadays. While I accept that video games can bring to us many benefits, I believe that they are more likely to have a negative influence.

On the one hand, playing video games can encourage players’ imagination, creativity as well as soft skills. For instance, to get a good life in virtual world of the imitation games, such as The Sims, gamers have to think about how to build the house nicely with a little money, and then, they should find a job to earn money and buy more luxurious items. Moreover, those who play video games can learn how to communicate each other in the virtual world by playing online games, even they learn leadership skills if they are leaders of online game groups.

However, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. It is widely believed that video games can be highly addictive. This situation may lead to a detrimental effect on their health. By this I mean, staring at the screen many hours have a negative impact on players’ eyes, players’ skin as well, and prolonged sitting is linked to higher risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes. Moreover, wasting too much time on playing has effect ranging from lack of sleep to dilemmas not only at schools but also at companies. Consequently, addicted gamers cannot focus on studying, working and feel very anxious. Therefore, players’ whole lives can be affected adversely.

Generally, it seems to me that the potential dangers of playing video games are more significant than the possible benefits. 

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Phần mở bài bạn mới chỉ có câu General Statement và câu Thesis thiếu mất câu paraphrase lại đề bài nên bị mất điểm paraphrase. Còn lại bài khá ổn về mặt ngữ pháp còn phần từ vựng dùng một số từ quá đơn giản như get, buy bạn hoàn toàn có thể tìm các collocation cùng nghĩa để ăn điểm từ vựng. Phần thân bài ý 2 b ạn làm rất tốt nhưng ý 1 bạn mới chỉ nói được việc chơi giúp rèn luyện các kỹ năng mêm và sự sáng tạo tức là  mental skills, bạn có thể thêm ý liên quan tới tiền bạc, chơi games đem lại việc làm cho các game thủ chuyên nghiệp. Đó cũng là một lợi ích.
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Cảm ơn bạn nhé.

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