[Ielts task 2] Mình tự học ielts và dự định thi vào tháng 9. Mong mọi người giúp đỡ mình check bài writing của mình

Question

Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

It is undeniably true that men and women have distinct physical and mental characteristics and those features make them appropriate for certain occupations. However, I believe that it is wrong to consider gender as a must-have criterion when recruit employees.

On the one hand, many people allege that males or females should only work in professions that related to the accredited traits of their gender. They argue that men and women have different personalities and only when they choose the jobs   suitable for their gender, can they develop and demonstrate all their strengths. While men are said to be rational, strong, determined and likely to join in technical, engineering or business field, women tend to be vulnerable, emotional, benevolent and had better do social work.

However, I believe that it would be unacceptable to preclude anyone from certain professions owing to their gender. It is a fundamental right of human that they can pursue their dream career regardless of their sex. People’s potential aptitude for everything is unlimited; therefore, they are capable of doing jobs that often supposed to be suitable for only male or female and contributing effectively in different aspects to their work. For example, women are the ones who usually do the cooking at home but in reality, the number of famous and respectable male chefs outweighs that of female cooks. Moreover, gender requirement for employment is a means of gender discrimination and dream destruction. That could lead a major disappointment and hopelessness for qualified people who are rejected just because of their gender.

In conclusion, it seems to me that employees should not discriminate in favour of male or female candidates and make  decisions based on job-related skills.

Answer 1

Hi, I think your essay has some grammatical mistakes.

"However, I believe that it is wrong to consider gender as a must-have criterion when recruit employees. " => recuiting 

" that males or females should only work in professions that related to the accredited traits of their gender." => are related / relate 

" only when they choose the jobs   suitable for their gender, can they develop and demonstrate all their strengths."=> eliminate comma 

"While men are said to be rational, strong, determined and likely to join in technical, engineering or business field, women tend to be vulnerable, emotional, benevolent and had better do social work. " => tend to..... and HAVE....
"capable of doing jobs that often supposed to be suitable for "=> that ARE often supposed....
"a means of gender discrimination and dream destruction"=> "means" here is quite inappropriate 
"employees should not discriminate in favour of male or female candidates and make  decisions based on job-related skills.".It is a confusing sentence and can be rewriten as follow :" employers should not select candidates based on gender, but rather on job-related skills"