Mình mới bắt đầu học viết và đây là bài viết đầu tiên của mình, mong các bạn xem giúp mình. Cảm ơn các bạn

Question

The graph below shows female unemployment rates in each country of the United Kingdom in 2013 and 2014.

The bar chart gives information about percentages of women without work in 4 countries of the UK, both in 2013 and 2014.

Overall, the female unemployment rates in 2013 higher than in 2014, except in Scotland. It is also noted that the rates of women out of work in Wale and Northern Ireland significantly lower than those in England and Scotland.

In 2013, England had   6,8% women unemployed, highest in the UK. In Scotland, this figure was 6,1%, making it second highest. In Northern Ireland, the proportions of women unemployed were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.      

In the next year, the rate of  unemployed  women in England fell by 3% to 6,5%, while in Scotland it increased by 0,7% to 6,8% and Scotland  became the country with highest  unemployment rate of women in the UK. With 2 last countries, Wales and Northern Ireland, the percentages of women unemployed decreased from 5,4% to 5% and 5,6% to 4,6% respectively.

(162 words)

Tuấn Khoa

Answer 1

Mình cũng mới bắt đầu học viết nên không dám sửa bài, chỉ có mấy chổ trong bài viết bạn mình thắc mắc, có gì mong bạn giải đáp thêm :). (chổ màu vàng là ý kiến của mình)
The bar chart gives information about the percentages of women without work in 4 countries of the UK, (both in 2013 and 2014.) =>  in both 2013 and 2014 or both in 2013 and in 2014

Overall, the female's unemployment rates in 2013 higher than in 2014, except in Scotland => (câu này mình thấy hình như thiếu main Verb) . It is also noted that the rates of women out of work in Wale and Northern Ireland were significantly lower than those in England and Scotland. 

In 2013, England had 6,8% women unemployed and was the highest proportion in the UK. In Scotland, this figure was 6,1% with the second highest rate. In Northern Ireland, the proportion of women unemployed was slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.      

In one year later, the rate of  unemployed  women in England fell (by 3% to 6,5%) (chổ này không có số liệu nên mình không hiểu ý bạn muốn trình bày thế nào, giảm xuống 3% và còn 6,5% hay giảm từ 6,5% xuống 3% ?), while in Scotland it increased by 0,7% to 6,8% (câu này tương tự) and Scotland became the country with the highest unemployment rate of women in the UK. With 2 other countries, Wales and Northern Ireland, the percentages of women unemployed decreased from 5,4% to 5% and 5,6% to 4,6% respectively.
Có gì sai mong bạn góp ý thêm để cùng tiến bộ :)

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn đã góp ý cho mình, mình nghĩ tự chữa bài cho mình và người khác cũng rất tốt và hi vọng chúng ta còn nhận được thêm nhiều góp ý của các anh chị, các bạn có kiến thức vững vàng.
Mình cũng xin lỗi vì khi post hình bị lỗi quá ký tự cho phép bạn ạ.

Mình sửa lại một số lỗi theo góp ý của bạn

in both 2013 and 2014 ,

Overall, the female unemployment rates in 2013 were higher than in 2014, except in Scotland (trong hình có câu minh họa là female unemployment rates in the four countriesof the UK, ở đây female là adj)

In 2013, England had 6,8% women unemployed and was the highest proportion in the UK. In Scotland, this figure was 6,1% with the second highest rate. In Northern Ireland, the proportion of women unemployed was slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.    (minh hoàn toàn đồng ý với cách sửa của bạn) 

In one year later, the rate of  unemployed  women in England fell (by 3% to 6,5%) (ý mình là giảm 0,3% xuống còn 6,5% , còn mình viết in the next year có sai không bạn?)

 

Có gì mình cùng sửa tiếp nhé.

Answer 2

The graph below shows female unemployment rates in each country of the United Kingdom in 2013 and 2014.

The bar chart gives information about the percentages of women without work/ who were out of work/unemployed in 4 countries of the UK, both in 2013 and 2014./between 2013 and 2014.

Overall, the female unemployment rates in 2013 were higher than in 2014 in most of the countries, except in Scotland (or you can write, of the three countries, Scotland had lower female unemployment rates in 2013 than in 2014) . It is also noted noticed that the rates of women out of work in Wale and Northern Ireland  were significantly lower than those in England and Scotland.(dont forget "to be" otherwise  your grammar look s really bad.)

In 2013, England had   6,8% women unemployed/ 6,8% of women in England was unemplyoed, and this figure was the highest in the UK. In Scotland, this figure was 6,1%, making it second highest/ Scotland had the second higherst figure in the chart, at 6.1% . In Northern Ireland, the proportions of women unemployed women were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively. good       

In the next year, the rate of  unemployed  women in England fell by 3% to 6,5%, while in Scotland, it increased by 0,7% to 6,8% and . Scotland  became the country with highest  unemployment rate of women in the UK. With 2 last countries, In Wales and Northern Ireland, the percentages of women unemployed women  decreased from 5,4% to 5% and 5,6% to 4,6% respectively.

(162 words)

what you need to improve on

• you are able to write good sentence; however, you should pay more attention to grammar. Dont write structures that you are unsure about such as "with 2 last countries" " making it the second highest". 
• when you write, think about another way to make the sentences sound better. Looking up sentence structures in model essays and copy them can be useful. 
• I cant see the graph so i cant comment on task response. I guess it is band 5 for grammar, 5.5 for conherence and cohesion, vocabular 5 (women unempoyed).

 

 

 

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn.  MÌnh sẽ liên hệ với bạn khi mình viết bài tiếp theo, minh muốn hỏi bạn một số câu hỏi

1.  nếu mình sửa bài viết như ý bạn thì bài viết sẽ đạt band mấy :)

The bar chart gives information about the percentage of women who were unemployed in 4 countries of the UK, in 2013 and 2014

Overall, female unemployment rates in 2013 were higher than in 2014 in most of the countries, except in Scotland. It is also noticed  that the rates of women out of work in Wale and Northern Ireland were significantly lower than those in England and Scotland.

In 2013, 6,8% of women in E were unemployed, This figure was the highest in the UK. Scotland had the second highest figure, at 6,1%. In Northern Ireland, the proportion of jobless women  were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.  

In the next year, the rate of unemployed women in England fell by 3% , while in Scotland it increased by 0,7% tand Scotland  became the country with highest  unemployment rate of women in the UK. In Wales and Northern Ireland, the percentages of women unemployed decreased from 5,4% to 5% and 5,6% to 4,6% respectively.

1.  Ba cách viết sau thì cách viết nào ok nhất.

In 2013, 6,8% of women in E were unemployed, This figure was the highest in the UK. Scotland had the second highest figure, at 6,1%. In Northern Ireland, the proportion of jobless women were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.  

In 2013, E had the highest percentage of unemployed women, with 6,8% . The figure for Scoltland were lower, at 6,1% .In Northern Ireland, the proportion of jobless women  were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively

In 2013, the percentage of unemployed women was highest in E, with 6,8%, compared to 6,1% in Scotland.In Northern Ireland, the proportion of jobless women were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.

 

---

Neu ban viet theo bai sua thi tam 7- 7.5. 

khi viet bai ban luu y chia dong tu "to be" cho dung. xem lai cach dung was va were. 

Minh thich cach thu nhat. nguoi ban xu thuong bat dau viet bang cach gioi thieu percentage. Doc nghe tu nhien hon. Ngoai ra ban viet cach nao cung duoc, mien la cac cau co ket noi voi nhau va dung ngu phap. Ban nhin lai bai minh viet se thay nhung loi sai ve chia dong tu "to be" 

Answer 3

Mình nhìn thấy một vài lỗi nhỏ thôi, mong là giúp được bạn phần nào nhé :D 

The bar chart gives information about the  percentages of women without work in 4 countries of the UK, both in 2013 and 2014.

Overall, the female unemployment rates in 2013 was higher than in 2014, except in Scotland. It is also noted that the rates of women out of work in Wale and Northern Ireland significantly lower than those in England and Scotland.

In 2013, England had   6,8% women unemployed, was the highest in the UK. In Scotland, this figure was 6,1%, making it second highest. In Northern Ireland, the proportion of women unemployed (unemployed women) were slightly higher than in Wales, with 5,6% and 5,4% respectively.      

In the next year, the rate of  unemployed  women in England fell by 3% to 6,5%, while in Scotland it increased by 0,7% to 6,8% and Scotland  became the country with the highest  unemployment rate of women in the UK. With 2 last countries, Wales and Northern Ireland, the percentage of women unemployed (unemployed women) decreased from 5,4% to 5% and 5,6% to 4,6% respectively.