Mong mọi người góp ý giúp em ạ. Đây là chủ đề Future job

Question

Many people have asked me about my future job. And this is also a problem I need to consider carefully. I want to be a good businesswoman. There are a wide range os reasons make me become a businesswomen. Firsly, I really like to carry out business. This job make me feel happy and suitable for myself. This job requires soft skills, so it will help me in communication and behavior. Secondly, When I was young, business was my dream . I love the way I exchange in every negotiation. Finally, business is a job provides stable income source for me. Moreover, this job help me earn a lot of money and I can make my dream which is travel a round the world. I will try to study hard so that I can make  my dream come true. Certainly, I myself can do the job that I love

Answer 1

Many people have asked me about my future job. This is also a problem I need to consider carefully. I want to be a good businesswoman. There are a wide range of reasons for me to become a businesswomen. Firstly, I really like to carry out business. This job would make me feel happy and enjoyable. This job requires soft skills, so it will help me in communication and behavior. Secondly, when I was young, business was my dream. I love the way I exchange in every negotiation. Finally, business is a job that provides a stable income source for me. Moreover, this job would help me earn a lot of money and I can make my dream come true, which is to travel around the world. I will try to study hard so that I can make my dream come true. Certainly, I can do the job that I love.

Góp ý:

-       Task achievement: 8

-       Coherence and cohesion: 7

-       Lexical resources: 6

-       Grammatical range and accuracy: 6

Bài viết cần lưu ý vấn đề ngữ pháp trong câu:

There are a wide range of reasons make me become a businesswomenè Sai vì không thể có hai động từ “are” và “make” trong cùng câu. Sửa lại bằng cách dùng mệnh đề quan hệ hoặc thay thế bằng cụm.

Tương tự: Business is a job provides stable income source for me. Cây này sai vì không cùng tồn tại hai động từ “is” và “provides” trong cùng câu. Sửa lại bằng cách dùng đại từ quan hệ.

Comments

em cảm ơn chị nha. Về sau có viết bài khác thì em sẽ lưu ý những lỗi này 

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mình nghĩ là dùng reduce relative cũng đc ma

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reduce relative phải là making, nhưng mình thấy ...reasons for me to... nghe có vẻ suôn hơn.

Answer 2

Many people have asked me about my future job. And this is also a problem I need to consider carefully. I want to be a good businesswoman. There are a widen range os of reasons make me become a businesswomen. Firsly, I really like to carry out conduct business. This job make me feel happy and suitable for myself. This job requires soft skills, so it will help me in communication and behavior behave. Secondly, When I was young, business was my dream . I love the way I exchange in every negotiations. Finally, business is a job provides stable income sources for me. Moreover, this job help me earn a lot of money and I can make my dream which is travel a round the world. I will try to study hard so that I can make  my dream come true. Certainly, I myself can do the job that I love

(bn viết có nguồn thu nhập ổn định ở câu trên mà câu dưới lại viết công việc kiếm đc rất nhiều tiền)