IELTS Task 1 pie graphs. Do em mới tập viết nên mong mọi người góp ý ạ

Question

the pie charts illustrate the figure of children according to gender participating in 6 leisure activities

It is obvious from the graphs that the percentage of young males playing computer games in their free time is the highest, while dacing was the most favourable activity for young females.

To be more detailed, there was a third of boys playing computer games which was as twice as girl with 18%. Additionally, dancing was the most popular activity for girls with 27%, whereas the number of males playing baseball was roughly equal with 26%. It is noticeable that the proportion of girls reading was ten times higher than boys with 21% and 2% respectively. Interestingly, skate boarding and listening to music attracted both genders with a mere 11% and 10% accordingly. Finally, an insignificant of females doing gymnastics with 11%, while the variety of males playing soccer was slightly higher, at 17%

Answer 1

Mình có một số góp ý sau nha:

- Introduction: the figures of....

- Overview: dancing was the most favorite activity of/among young females.

- Body:

+... which was nearly twice as many as that of girls...

+... dancing was the most popular activity of/among girls 

Ngoài ra, bạn có thể thay leisure activity bằng recreation để tránh lập từ so với đề bài. Bạn cũng nên tránh sử dụng những từ như interestingly trong task 1.

Answer 2

Theo mình, bạn nên đọc lại bài viết sau khi đã viết xong để kiểm tra lại toàn bài. Bài viết của bạn mắc rất nhiều lỗi chính tả. Mình liệt kê một số lỗi như:

dacing -> dancing

 computer games which was as twice as girl with 18% ( was -> were ; girl -> the girl )

playing baseball was roughly equal with 26%.( equal with -> equal to )

Nhận xét: Ngữ pháp bạn còn chưa chắc, và từ vựng còn mắc nhiều lỗi chính tả.