This is a fairly good essay, despite some lengthy sentences which complicated the structure unnecessarily. However, having said that, you expressed your opinions quite well and the ideas were excellent.
Here are some of my suggestions for improvement:
views about providing childcare to = views regarding the provision of childcare for ....
let = allow
child-care schools = nurseries/creches
should play a parental role of taking care of (wrong article use - replace a for the) = should be responsible for the parental care of
will be always = will likely be (wrong adverb position & cautious language)
Check here for more information on cautious language in academic writing: http://www.monash.edu.au/lls/hdr/build/3.5.6.html
instead of sending them to day-care center= instead of using day-care center (repeated use of 'sending them')
Can be used for taking care of = can be spent on other expenses? (repeated use of taking care of)
extraordinary <<<<< utterly wrong use of this word, extraordinary means fantastic, amazing, ...
get child-care license = obtain child-care license (never use 'get' in writing, its informal)
nurture his growing skills = (identify and nurture?) his abilities and talents
their peer(s), their relative(s) <<< plural
Here's an example of how your sentence can be shortened:
Secondly, children are able to have the chance to socialize with their peer, which they may not usually do when they are with their relative at home.
-> Toddlers are given the opportunity to socialize with their peers, which family members are unable to provide/offer.
Due to participating in various extraordinary activities = Due to the participation in extracurricular activities (again, the wrong use of the word 'extraordinary' might bring your mark down)
Not only kids can... , their parents do so <<<< this should be an inverted sentence
Not only do/can kids ...., so do/can their parents
In deed = Indeed << its 1 word not 2
To sum up, your ideas were well expressed, but you overcomplicated the sentences, I believed this is due to your mindset of 'the more compound sentences, the better the mark'. While this is generally true, in your case it is not.
I'd give you a 7 for this essay :)