In recent years, there is a growing recognition of the importance of safe driving. Some people suggest that, by changing (I suggest using "rasing" since this word would go with the word "increasing" in the question) the age requirement for future drivers, they could improve road safety. Although, some drawbacks can be seen for this change (Following "Although" rarely is a comma, you should omit the comma. Secondly, you ought to use "for" instead of "in" ), I personally agree that this proposal can ("is" should be used here) be an ideal solution to resolve this issue.
On the other hand (Technically, you have not presented any "hand" or side of argument so you employ the phrase ",To begin with" ) it is undeniable that age increase would lead to some foreseen (foreseenable) problems. At first, young adults who need to use cars or motorbikes to travel to workplaces or universities may fight against (it sounds unnatural to me, you can use "oppose") this idea due to inconvenience and inflexibility, as (you ought to use "and" or "as a result,") they may have to choose to use public transport instead. In addition, teenagers, specially, who can be reckless sometimes and find the idea of driving, while not allowed, is (find sth/sb adj) fascinating. For example,(I do not think this serves as a direct exemplification of the previous statement so you should leave this phrase out) a recent NSW’s police report has shown the most common reason why underage drivers attempt driving without a legal license is because they have an urge to impress their friends.
Conversely,(I recommend that you use "However" or "Nevertheless/ Nonetheless") I believe that the suggested policy can have road safety significantly improved if approved. As can be said, people who grow older may have more serious attitude about safety, which is the first priority in driving. Not only the drivers’ cognitive consciousness about self-guard, but other traveling passengers’ safety can also increase with more maturity (you should use "increase with maturation" to avoid confusion). For example, according the government’s survey, the number of accidents caused by 25 years old (correct: 25-year-old-and-above/over) and over drivers (it is, nevertheless, best to write the phrase as follows: drivers of the age 25 or above) is significant lower than those (that by those) under 20 (years old). This explains why the authority should consider this change as a potential measure to improve road safety.
In conclusion, despite those mentioned shortcomings, I believe that such a solution should be taken by the government to mitigate this problem.
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You should work more on how to clearly get across your ideas and also be mindful of the errors while writing. Apart from all that, you give a decent essay that is fairly well-outlined, well-supported with real examples (I don't know if the examiners are concerned about the authenticity of the news sources; but if I were you, I wouldn't make up any figures :D)
Good luck!