IELTS Task 2 - Effects of TV on children

Question

Some people think watching TV is bad for children, while others think that watching TV has more beneficial effects on children.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

 

In the world of technology today, the issue of its effects on humans remains controversial, especially TV, one of the most popular electronics to everybody. While some people are of the opinion that watching TV has adverse influence on children, I believe it benefits in much broader ways.

It cannot be denied that TV can bring harm to children. Firstly, the more time a children spends in front of the TV, the less healthy he becomes. Children who look at the screen for more than 3 hours a day are said to be more likely to suffer from eye diseases such as nearsighted. Secondly, researches have shown that there is a link between violence on TV and crime rates in the real world. Children often copy bad behaviors on the screen, which, therefore, may lead to bad actions such as bullying and even crimes not only in their childhood but also adulthood.

On the other hand, if children know how to adjust the time and the programs they watch, TV will give them a huge variety of benefits. Watching TV is a good way to wind down after a hard day at school. There are lots of entertainment channels for children to enjoy, which include interesting cartoons, films and game shows. Moreover, TV programs also bring educational purpose. Information given on TV is extremely helpful and makes children be aware of events all around the world. It also provides knowledge about another world, other cultures and images about the things that children may never see in their real life.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that the benefits of TV outweigh its own disadvantages, which is reflected  by the fast progress of TV nowadays.

 

(287 words)

Answer 1

 remains controversial: tính từ

the reasons mentioned above= aforementioned

 

Comments

Firstly, the more time a children spends in front of the TV, the less healthy he becomes=>children là số nhiều rồi, nên không cần a nữa. Ở đây mình nói chung, nên không dùng he/she được. Theo mình nên sửa lại là: the more time children spend ...., the less healthy they might become.
"It cannot be denied" không phải là acedamic phrase. Theo mình nên sửa lại là "it is undoubtedly that..."

Answer 2

mình có 1 số ý kiến như sau :
1. the more time a children spends in front of the TV, the less healthy he becomes  thì câu này sai từ ''spends và he'' spends=> spend và he => they, becomes => become

2. từ wind down mình hiểu ý bạn là relax nhưng mình tra từ điển thì cả 3 nghĩ của wind down đều ko hợp với relax. mình nghĩ unwind thì hợp hơn

 

Comments

@Lưu Đình Khải: à mình viết nhầm, ý mình viết là a child đấy :) thank bạn nhiều!!!

Answer 3

"such as bullying and even crimes" có vẻ thiếu ngắt câu. theo mình nên sửa thế này "may lead to bad actions such as bullying, or even comitting crimes, not only...."

Comments

"On the other hand" dùng trong ngữ cảnh này có vẻ chưa được hợp. Theo mình nên dùng "having said that" sẽ hợp và hay hơn

Answer 4

Mình có vài góp ý như sau:

... Children who look at the screen for more than 3 hours a day are said to will be more likely to suffer from eye diseases such as nearsighted. 

On the other hand, if children know how to adjust the time and watch the programs selectively they watch, TV will give them a huge variety of benefits. Watching TV is a good way to wind down (chưa thấy từ này được sử dụng trong trường hợp này) relax after a hard day at school. ... Moreover, TV programs also bring contain educational purpose. Informations given on TV is extremely helpful and makes children be aware of events all around the world. It They also provides knowledge about another world, other cultures and images about the things that children may never see in their real life.

Nhìn chung bài của bạn viết khá tốt, tuy nhiên từ vựng về chủ đề này chưa phong phú, theo đánh giá chủ quan của mình thì bài bạn rơi vào khoảng 6.0.

Comments

Cụm từ Wind down after a hard day mình lấy trong quyển Ideas for Ielts Writing của Simon bạn nhé :)