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Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people.

Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many individuals hold a firm belief that the most essential thing of becoming rich offers numerous chances to help others. I partly agree with this viewpoint and in this essay I will give more examples to clarify my opinion.

On the one hand, there are reasons why some people argue that it is of utmost importance for affluent people to provide assistance to society. First and foremost, a huge number of wealthy people often grasp an opportunity to donate their money to underprivileged ones and the community. This is because some may think that his contribution is a must and it also helps to promote socio-economic development of his country. Take Bill Gates as a prime example, he is synonymous with the founder of Microsoft, a technology corporations worth billion dollars. As a philanthropist, he not only spent a great deal of his money on charitable activities but also gave donations to help many children who cannot access to academic studies in remote areas. Another example is a Vietnamese group called Vin Group, who improved the air quality of many streets in Vietnam by providing a range of electric buses as they want the people in Vietnam to have a better living quality.

On the other hand, it can be seen that wealthier people also play another pivotal role. To be more specific, the hope of being rich raises more awareness among young graduates, who want to seek for their well-paid jobs and to have a better living condition after graduation. For example, Jack Ma, the founder and executive chairman of Alibaba Group, a family of Internet-based business, is a good role model for the deprived people who always harbor their dreams of eradicating poverty and have more convenient lives because he used to undergo unfavorable start-up business; however, he managed to figure out the way to overcome his difficulties just by his own attempts and determination . Needless to say, people like Jack Ma will give much inspirations and influences on people who are making efforts to reach their goals.

In conclusion, while I agree that the purpose of being rich may bring people many chances to help others, I also think that this is not the most important thing because the wealthier can act as a good role model.

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Hi bạn. Bài bạn viết rất tốt, bố cục cũng đẹp. 

Mình muốn góp ý là bạn nên chú ý đến punctuation nữa. 

Ví dụ: I partly agree with this viewpoint and in this essay, I will give more examples to clarify my opinion. Phải có dấu phẩy đằng sau in this essay

Có thể thấy bạn đang cố paraphrase từ "help" bằng  provide assistance chẳng hạn. Nhưng provide assistance mang nghĩa bổ trợ, trợ giúp nhưng trong bài này help ý chỉ giúp to lớn (make positive changes). Dùng có thể vẫn được nhưng bạn đang hướng đến band cao thì nên để bài perfect

Tiếp theo bạn phải consistent với những gì bạn nói, ví dụ khi bạn dùng a huge number of wealthy people thì vế sau không thể dùng his được mà là their

Để chỉ kết quả bạn nên dùng hiện tại hoàn thành. Ví dụ: a Vietnamese group called Vin Group, who has improved the air quality. Đồng thời vin group không phải là group là mà tập đoàn, công ty và cũng không dùng who luôn, nên là which hoặc that. Bạn có thể argue who trong 1 vài trường hợp trừu tượng nhưng đây thì ko.

Một số chỗ viết hơn dài dòng cần cô đọng lại

he managed to figure out the way to overcome his difficulties just by his own attempts and determination

->he managed to overcome the difficulties by his stamina and determination.

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cảm ơn bạn nhé, chúc bạn có một ngày vui vẻ !!!!

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