IELTS TASK 2 traditions and customs

Question

Topic: People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country. To what extent to agree or disagree?

                Many people believe when move to a new country, they should practice the country’s traditions. I completely agree with this.
                There are many good reasons to follow and adapt the customs as a new immigrant. Firstly, when learned the traditions, it will be easier to blend into the society. For example, an international student transfers to a school in United States, where the school is all about football. If the student does not know anything about football, it will be very difficult for the student to communicate with others attending the same school or blend into the American spirit.
                Secondly, a foreigner that does not adapt to the new environment or does the opposite action might end up doing something illegal. For instance in Singapore, people don’t chew gum and it is going against the law if an immigrant does it. However, there is a good side in adapting to a new culture; one of them is to be able to gain knowledge. Entrepreneurs who learned the traditions in a new country are more likely to be successful. Another advantage of learning new traditions is you will be more likely to be welcome by the community. For example of my sister dated a foreigner 2 years ago. The first day, he came to meet and have lunch my parents; he was judged right away when he did not wait for the elders to eat before he can have his first bite.
                In conclusion, I would argue it is essential for foreigners to learn new customs when moved to a new country in order to be success and enjoy a good quality experiences in the new place.

Answer 1

Bài của bạn nhìn chung rất ok nhưng còn vài lỗi ngữ pháp và từ vựng cần chú ý;

Many people believe when move to a new country-> moving

There are many good reasons to follow and adapt the customs as a new immigrant.-> adopt

to be welcome by the community.-> welcomed

 he was judged right away when he did not wait for the elders to eat before he can have his first bite.-> has judged

Mình nghĩ nên thay câu "  I completely agree with this." bằng " I am a believer in the argument that living in an exotic culture requires highly adaption from immigrants" cho nó formal hơn và làm giám khảo ấn tượng hơn bởi vì Mở bài là phần rất quan trọng trong bài writing ielts.

Còn para 2 bạn có tới 2 examples mình nghĩ là nên bỏ bớt 1 cái và thay bằng một câu support cho topic sentence(ở đây mình lấy câu gain knowledge) :" In fact, living abroad can provide a good opportunity for students to broaden their horizon in fields of education, technology, and local culture"

Good luck! 

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