IELTS Task 2 8/7/2017 - Everyone should stay at school until 18

Question

Everyone should stay at school until 18

Do you agree or disagree?

              There are differing opinions as to whether school attendance should be made mandatory for all people under 18. In my view, I completely agree with this argument. In the following paragraphs, I tend to provide some justifications to support my point.

              The primary reason for making obligatory schooling age until 18 is that more education provides assistance to adolescents in acquisition of new academic and practical knowledge as well as necessary skills, which translates into brighter career prospects. It is researched that the more crucial skills that people have, the more competitive they become in the labour market. Not only do they have little difficulty in getting ideal jobs but also their levels of job satisfaction are likely to experience an increase. Provided that there are increased numbers of highly skilled workers in the workforce, the national economic potential will be unarguably reinforced.

              Another reason for extending length of education is that the period between 13 and 18 of a child is the most impressionable. In this phase, children may easily suffer social manipulation if they do not receive correct guidance, resulting in juvenile delinquency. Since during adolescence, children undergo emotional and hormonal changes, they may be irresistible to the temptation of many forms of addiction. Therefore, an extended period of education given has a crucial role in protecting children from committing societal crimes.

              In conclusion, not only does extending schooling period help young people get more access to the world of professionalism but also acts as an effective deterrent against juvenile delinquency.

I am immensely grateful to anyone who can contribute detailed feedback and band score on my essay!

Answer 1

 help young people get more access to the world of professionalism  

-> I think it must be ''help students more well-prepared for the future access into the real world when they have no protection from parents and teachers''

 In this phase, children may easily suffer social manipulation if they do not receive correct guidance, resulting in juvenile delinquency

-> I think to make this sentence more convincing , it should be '' In this phase, children often take risk of suffering social manipulation, therefore, correct guidance of school and family is the key factor preventing them from juvenile delinquency''

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