Hi guys, this is my first time posting in this website. I am praticing IELTS on my own and looking forward to scoring 7.0 in writing this December. I am working my butt off to make my writing sounds like a 7.0. I used to thought that I should K.I.S.S. but when digging deep in the "Write Right" book, it caught me off guard due to its, say, complication. Please help me to correct this trying-to-be-7.0 essay.
Thanks a million.
P/S: About the tense, the graphs didnt mention time so it is advised to use present simple ("Write right" said so...)
Given are two figures concerning criminality in Britain. The first graph reveals information about the rate of criminal convictions in terms of age and gender. The other chart illustrates the proportion of prison inmates by gender.
It is apparent from the both given demonstrations that at any age, men are likely to offend than women and the rate of inmates rises exponentially during adolescence, reaching the peak at the age of twenties.
Starting from just about 2% among 10-years-old boy, the male criminal rate soars to 16% at the age of 20, which means that during adolescence, the male figures is eight times as high as that of those younger. Then, the rate significantly declines in the next 25 ages before plummeting to just 2% at the age of 60. Whereas, the proportion of female offenders is apparently far lower, there is not any girl among 10 years old convicted criminal. However, with approximately 5%, 20 years old is evidently considered as the peak age of female prison. This figure of women then marginally decreases in the next 40 years to reaching 0% at the age of 60 years old.
Also, regarding the proportion of prison inmates in terms of gender of the UK, men outnumber women, 24 to 1. This means that there is only one female criminal in every 24 male offenders.
(224w)