Bài ielst task 1 ngày 12-8

Question

Mọi người xem giúp mình với xem bài viết của mình như thế nào. Cảm ơn mọi người 

Istanbul Promo Plus

The graph gives information about the variation in the sales of Istanbul Promo Plus during the stage of 12 months in 2007.

It is clear that the Turkish lira’s millions was fairly equal over the period shown.

In January, the sales of Istanbul Promo Plus was about 200 millions. The figure for February was higher at about 350 millions. In March, it was highest almost 350 millions. After that, there was a dramatic fall from 350 millions in March to nearly 115 millions in July before came back level of approximately 200 millions in August. But thereafter, it fell by 100 millions in September. Octobor sales was slight rise, followed by a constant period in November. Finally, it was a gradually rise by the end of December.

Answer 1

Hello phamanhthang147,

In overall, Your essay is really short, lack of range vocab, quite bad coherent but it may meet the task response.

The introduction I have no word to edit/ comment (No topic).

Overview part seems too short and not clear. In other words, it didn't indicate striking point or interesting point in this writing. The only thing you completed is general point.

Sorry for not pointing out any of your errors because you didn't show the topic and picture. 

It is better if you combine each single sentences into complex senctence. I advise you some structures that may improve this writing: using structure before/ after + V-ing ( before falling/ going down/ dropping to approximately/ roughly/ about 200mil in August) , comparisions in this writing is not accurate: there was two months that sales was roughly 350mil (it's better if you make these months in one sentence), your use of adjective and adverb seems confused ( gradual rise or rise gradually).

You should add the topic or picture( if it has) so that others can edit the writing accurately.

Comments

cảm ơn anh Hùng, đây là bài viết đầu tiên của em nên có nhiều lỗi ạ, em sẽ cố gắng

---

Nếu đây là bài đầu tiên của bạn thì cũng không có gì kém lắm chỉ là do chưa tìm hiểu kĩ form thôi, còn từ vựng như vậy cũng tạm ổn, ôn tập thêm ngữ pháp và cách làm nữa thôi. Từ vựng thì học cách sự dụng linh hoạt nữa là ok :D