Anh,chị giúp e chữa lỗi bài này vs ạ : The disadvantage of Facebook

Question

Nowadays although facebook brings us many benefits, it has a lot of disadvantages. First and foremost, we use facebook day and night without thinking how much time we have wasted on it. This is one of the main reasons wht children postpone their school work, social and sport activities. Another disadvantage is that facebook have bad effects on our health. When we look at sceen of the computer, we will feel stress and tired and our eyes are in danger of short-sight. Finally, private life can be vialate and many scam can happen should our account is stolen by a hacker. For example, hacker takes advantage of our friend's trust to juggle them out of money. In short, I think facebook will be harmful to us if we don't know how to use it suitably.

Answer 1

Nowadays, although Facebook brings us many benefits, it has a lot of disadvantages. First and foremost, we use Facebook day and night without thinking how much time we have wasted on it. This is one of the main reasons why children postpone their school work, social and sports activities. Another disadvantage is that Facebook has bad effects on our health. When we look at the screen of the computer, we will feel stress and tired and our eyes are in danger of short-sight. Finally, private life can be violated and many scams can happen should our account is stolen by a hacker. For example, the hacker takes advantage of our friend's trust to juggle them out of money. In short, I think Facebook will be harmful to us if we don't know how to use it suitably.

Comments

e cám ơn nhìu ạ :D

Answer 2

Nowadays, although facebook brings us many benefits, it has a lot of disadvantages. First and foremost, we use facebook day and night (all night long: suốt ngày, cụm này thay vào sẽ hay hơn nhé) without thinking how much time we have wasted on it. This is one of the main reasons why children postpone (play truant: trốn học, postpone là trì hoãn) their school work, social and sport (sports) activities. Another disadvantage is that (no need) facebook have (has) bad effects on our health. When we look at sceen of the computer (or mobile phones), we will feel stress and tired and our eyes are in danger of short-sight. Finally, private life can be vialate (violated hoặc dùng từ này hay hơn: leaked out) and many scam can happen should our account is stolen (many scams will happen if our accounts are stolen) by a hacker. For example, hacker takes advantage of our friend’s (friends’ - nhiều người bạn hay 1 người bạn) trust to juggle them out of money. In short, I think facebook will be harmful to us if we don't know how to use it suitably (sensibly hoặc reasonably, suitably chỉ dùng cho màu sắc hoặc quần áo)

This is My opinion. :) 

Strong point: idea ổn, nhiều từ vựng và cấu trúc hay, Ít lỗi thôi.

weakness: bổ sing thêm phần mệnh đề quan hệ. 

Xuống dòng và phân đoạn ra. Nếu có 3 phần mb, Tb, kb. Thì ổn hơn. 

http://chuawritingmienphi.com/4913/please-check-thanks-writing-ielts-choice-either-abroad-remain-country-vacation-choice

 

Comments

E cám ơn nhều ạ :D

Answer 3

sao bạn viết có first, có finally mà không có secondly bạn nhỉ , bạn đang luyện thi thpt quốc gia phải không, nếu phải thì mình cùng tham khảo nhau nhé ^_^