Hi there. I think you have a good essay. you have a good structure and some good ideas. Here is my suggestion for some of the correction for your mistakes:
Music is a magical factor helping us reduce the stress in life. Today, we listen to several kinds of music and I think the traditional music of a nation is more significant than the international one. This argument will be presented in this essay.
From the childhood, almost people fell asleep with songs of mother and music gradually became a part of our lives. When we grew up, we approached music closer and listening to music has been a way to relax. Furthermore, music is the message from artists in order to spread the love to community. For examples, many funds such as UNICEF, ICRC… use several songs like “Imagine” of John Lennon or “Heal the world” of Michael Jackson to show the hardship of poor people and children so that these organizations can appeal charity.
Many genres of music are heard these days but from my point of view, the traditional one is the most important to a country. Because the international music is very easy-listening, it gains the popularity of the audiences. Nevertheless, it is just a commercial product and many people earn money from this commodity. Meanwhile, traditional music is a national identity which makes the listeners discriminate between countries. It expresses the culture and history of a nation. That is the reason why most of countries want to preserve and develop this kind of music.
To conclusion, our lives become meaningful with music and I believe that the traditional music is more important than the international music.
- Factor: I'm not sure if we can use the word "factor" with "magical" here, but I think in most cases, people tend to say important factor, key factor, crucial factor, I suggest using oxford dictionary: http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/factor_1?q=factor
So you can rewrite the sentence: Music is something magical or music is a magical thing.
- Traditional music of a nation: I think using traditional music is enough
- International one: because there are many kinds of international music so I think it is better to use it in plural for: international ones
- This argument: I think it's better to say: the explanation for this argument
- From the childhood, almost people fell asleep with songs of mother and music gradually became a part of our lives: it is somewhat confusing for the grammar here, but I think it's better to use present tense, because you describe a fact here, not something that happened to some people or someone.
The childhood => childhood : because we use "the" when we want to refer to something, someone (IN THIS CASE) that you are going to mention more or you did mention. If you say people in general, don't use " the".
grew up => grow up
- approach to
- easy to listen to
- the message => a message
- it is just a commercial product , from this commodity => I get what you mean here, the idea is ok but in my opinion, the word product and commodity is somewhat inappropriate for using with "music". It's because music is not considered to be a product. A song, a beat, a record can be considered to be a product. Music is a field.
- make the listeners discriminate: make the listeners discriminated.
- To conclusion => in conclusion
For more accuracy in applying words, I suggest you to use Oxford ditionary. I don't know whether you knew about it or not, but I found it very useful with many examples. Good luck! I'm looking forward for you future essays