Mong mọi người chữa cho em với để em mau tiến bộ

Question

The line praph illustrate the number of percent growth in wage within ten year. Generally, The trend percent growth in wage fluctuates sigficanly during those year.

After a rapid increase from 2 to 4 in the frist two year, the number of percent growth in wage decline to 3 in the next one year. However, it stay unchanged from 1995 to 1996, followed by a sigficanl rise from 3 in 1996 to 6 in 1998.  Fruthmore, while a rapid drop to 2.8 in the next one year the number of percent growth in wage increase to 2.9 from 1999 to 2000. In addtion, in spite of a sigficanl fall from 2.97 to 1

in the next two day,the number of percent growth in wage decline gradually in the fincal one year.

Mong mọi người giúp em với.

Answer 1

Mình nghĩ bạn nên paraphrase lại cụm percent growth in wages bằng các cụm khá hoặc cách diễn đạt tưoqng tự, vì cả bài cứ lặp lại liên tục ý!
Như phần intro, câu 2 " Generally, The trend percent growth in wage fluctuates sigficanly during those year" có thể viết lại là it experienced a significant fluctuation over the period :)

 Fruthmore, while a rapid drop to 2.8 in the next one year the number of percent growth in wage increase to 2.9 from 1999 to 2000
Câu này mình cũng thấy có vấn đề :) , while --> after having

Answer 2

Just my personal opinion- hope you find it helpful!

- First, your had better avoid repeating the topic directly like "percent growth in wage"; it is highly recommended that you ought to rephrase rubric, for example, "the line graph given illustrates the trend of pay earned by employees in 1993 and a decade later" => Intro:  rephrase rubric and give varieables

- Secondly, moving to the Body, you need at least 2 or 3 paragraphs (depend on the graph); with this line graph, i think 2 is ok. Not only deciding paragraphing is important but also using conective device to introduce your paragraph is also necessary. To illustrate, you can use some of the pharses like: First and foremost, in the first year of the survey, in the first place, etc. Then, you should start with a clear topic sentence wihich gives overall trend and the most important number (highest  or lowest): "In the first 6 years of the survey (from 1993 to 1998), it is observable that there was a sharp increase from an already ample of 2 percent in 1993 to an even more considerable 6% in 1998". Next, I suggest that you should give details and describe them, and don't forget to use connectives. Try to challenge yourself by varing vocabulary as well as grammar structure. For example: