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In some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight.

Ho far do you agree with either of these views?

 

 

With reference to the present educational system, that in some countries children begin going to school at the age of four is highly encouraged.Conversely,in others,it is assumed that there is no need for them to start school until they are seven or eight.To my perspective,the latter is more favourable for the reasons below.

 

To begin with,allowing children to go to school as they get older assists them to harvest knowledge more efficiently.It is reasonable due to their development in both physical and mental prospecsts.As can be seen,at the age of seven or eight,children are to experience the period of growing in strength as well as mentality.As a consequence,this will facilitate their way of perceiving information,combined with the capability of prevailing in an academic environment.The obstacles when adapting to a completely different environment will be somewhat removed.

 

Another advantage drawn from this method is that it gives children the right to have a memorable childhood.They are by no means forced to attend classes and do too much homework .This is indeed the pure meaning of childhood,which is supposed to be about fun and without any stress.Hence,providing a later educational training is of ultimate importance,meaning children are entitled to a perfect childhood.It also means that they are not exposed to the feeling of regrets and grudge in the subsequent years.

 

However, this policy does hint some downsides. To some extent, it is considered to be late for the acquisition of knowledge. According to many scientists, those aged three or four are highly advised to start school early owing to their willingness to explore a new world. Not offering them a formal education can be even regarded as the act of  deprivation. Nevertheless, the enormous benefits still outweigh the drawback.

 

All being said, I hold an unshakable belief that we should let children go to school when they are seven or eight. Making the best use of this will create a more effective academe for those youngsters rather than taking away their freedom too soon.
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At first glance, I think you should rewrite the essay concisely into 4 paragraphs (Intro, Body1-discussing 1 side, Body2-discussing other side, Conclusion) to attract readers. There are several mistakes as the followings:

Introduction, it has some redundant words like "it is assumed that" and "with reference to", which makes the whole paragraph too long. It should be two sentences: general statement and your opinion.

Paragraph 2: Allowing children to go to school as they get older assists assisting them to in harvest (gain/acquire) knowledge more efficiently. It is reasonable due to their development in both physical and mental prospecsts factors/aspects. "As can be seen....removed", you may put linking words in wrong positions so that it is hard to understand. 

Paragraph 3: You just analyse 1 idea and suport it for 4 sentences while the last one is unnecessary. Also, I think 4-year children don't have too much homeworks as you said and "by no means" don't make sense. 

"However, this policy does hint some downsides" (Take it easy => However, there are some downsides in this issue). But, the topic is "How far do you agree with either of these views?" It means both views, so in this parapraph you should mention the advantages of going to school for 4-year children.

Conclusion: "To conclude/ To sum up/ In conclusion" is more formal than "all being said". "I hold an unshakable belief" (Take it easy => I confirm / It's recommended that). That's all.

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Thanks bạn nhé.nhưng đoạn 4 mình viết counter argument
Ý bạn counter argument là lí lẽ chống đối lại dk. Mình thấy đề bài hỏi "either of these views", mình nghĩ nên viết thuận lợi ở mỗi cái :)

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