Cam 10-test1-task 2

Question

             Topic:It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this option?

          Hitherto, it is crucial for children to aware of distinction between wrong doings and right ones at early ages and punishment is supposed to be essential to help them acknowledge it. This may bring some downsides for adolescents but the returns are highly justifiable.
          On one hand, there is some evidence indicating that harsh treatment to children may be counterproductive. Firstly, they can pose both physical and psychological injuries to adolecents. As a result, their hatred to their parents occur and accelerate, resulting in their severely terrible perfomances. Besides, for some children, up to a point they may face hardships in terms of decision-making in the long run due to their scare of mistakes. 
          On the other hand, according to recent research, punishment is able to help children to realise their wrong actions. A case in point is if children are so stubborn, smooth treatment may not be effective, even make them become more spoiled. This might be because they are just adolescents and their mindset has not fully developed perfectly as adults. If some proper categories of punishment can be applied such as to lessen their allowance or to force them to do more housework, children can enjoy practically far-reaching sakes.
           In conclusion, in spite of some disadvantages, punishment can bring children massive merits if it is enforced in a right way.

Answer 1

Một số quy ước về cách chấm:

-          Dạ quang : good expression, advanced vocabulary. 

-          Gạch bỏ: thừa câu từ.

-          Tô đỏ: dùng từ sai, lặp từ

-          Tô xanh: ý chưa rõ

-          In đậm: thêm từ

          Hitherto, it is crucial for children to be aware of distinction between wrong doings and right ones at early ages and punishment is supposed to be essential to help them acknowledge it[W1] . This may bring some downsides for adolescents but the returns are highly justifiable.
          On one hand, there is some evidence indicating that harsh treatment to children may be counterproductive. Firstly, they can pose both physical and psychological injuries to adolecents. As a result, their hatred to their parents occur and accelerate, resulting in their severely terrible perfomances. Besides, for some children, up to a point they may face hardships in terms of decision-making in the long run due to their scare of making mistakes. 
          On the other hand, according to recent research, punishment is able to help children to realise their wrong actions. A case in point is if children are so stubborn, smooth treatment [W2] may not be effective, even make them become more spoiled. This might be because they are just adolescents[W3]  and their mindset has not fully developed perfectly as adults. If some proper categories of punishment can be applied such as to lessen their allowance or to force them to do more housework, children can enjoy practically far-reaching sakes.
           In conclusion, in spite of some disadvantages, punishment can bring children massive merits if it is enforced in a right way.

Nhận xét:

Ưu điểm:

-          Dùng nhiều từ vựng nâng cao.

-          Luận điểm rõ ràng.

-          Dùng nhiều câu phức.

-          Ít lỗi ngữ pháp

Nhược điểm

-          Bài viết khá ngắn (224 từ). Bạn sẽ bị trừ điểm nặng nếu viết như vậy khi thi.

-          Phần kết luận chỉ tóm tắt luận điểm chứ chưa đưa ra ý kiến riêng của mình.

Mặc dù, bạn sử dụng tiếng anh khá thành thạo nhưng lại mắc phải 2 lỗi rất nghiêm trọng nên theo mình bạn được Band 7 nhé.

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 [W1]them

 [W2]nên dùng “smooth punishment” vì “smooth treatment” thường dùng với nghĩa “phương pháp trị liệu nhẹ nhàng”.

 [W3]Bạn dùng từ này hơi nhiều, nên hay bằng “immature”.