Dear linin 1109,
For your essay, I would like to give my oppinon on your vocabulary and grammar.
For your vocabulary, I think you have use a great deal of conjunctions. But your words are not suitable for all situations.
For your grammar, I think you should revise the topic of complex and adjective clauses.
Please refer to below for my comments.
Whether males and females should be exclude from certain professions remain(s) a controversy. (But I think the sentence is not convincible. Your idea is good but your sentence is not as good as your idea) Some people claim that men and women have different characteristics, and therefore it should be better if they (not them) do suitable jobs while others believe that both men and women have an equal (not equally) ability to do any jobs. Personally, I strongly agree with the later view.
Firstly, it It is undeniable that as a result of having different qualities, men and women have to do different works (grammar, alternative "tasks"). For example, women who is gently and compliant is more suitable to do jobs like PG, secretary, cashier and teacher… (should not use three dots “…”) than men who is grump. However,(comma) in modern life, males and females have the same opportunities to do any jobs what they want to do (You should revise adjective clauses). In addition, by dint of being training in special courses men and women is now full of qualities to do best almost works.(Grammar- countable noun or uncountable noun-What is your purpose? Works-arts or work-jobs)
Secondly, in the past, it is said (I think that it affects the tense of the sentence, not use at present tense) that women are weaker than men and have not enough ability to do hard works. Nevertheless, with knowledge, skills, and well healthy gaining from education programs, females can do hard works such as engineer, police and politician… (again don’t use them) Furthermore, there are so many talented men successful in the work like cooker, fashion designers…(again do not use them) which is suitable for to be (‘to be” should be deleted) women. For instance, as we can see almost famous cookers and fashion designers are men.( I think if you can give some names as examples, it will be better)
To conclude, both men and women are playing very well their role and their work in modern life. Though maybe they have different strength and weaknesses, they also do best jobs (I think you should choose different words for that. You did not give any explannation for “best jobs” but you concluded on that; or you mean "do best"? For that I have never seen this collocation. I only saw " Do your best", "Do it best", or 'try best". You should choose right words for an academic essay) what they chosen. (Can you see something wrong?)
Best regards,
Tam