Các bạn giúp mình chút nhé :D Xem hộ mình được khoảng band mấy :D Sắp thi rồi :)

Question

Topic:

The use of cell phones (mobile phones) has grown rapidly in the past few years. People use them for both business and personal reasons.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of the widespread use of cell phones (mobile phones)?

 

In recent years, the world has seen a substantial rise in the number of mobile phones being used for both work-related and personal purposes. This tendency has brought both benefits and drawbacks, which will be discussed in this essay.

First of all, the widespread is beneficial in some aspects. Phones enable work communication to become more convenient and faster. Instead of writing a letter to business components, now companies may just make a phone call. It has proven to be assistant, especially, for example, a sudden appointment cancel. Moreover, the outbreak of mobile phones usage has also brought significant benefits to the economy. Phone manufacture industry has developed rapidly. It creates more jobs for people and therefore, reduce unemployment rate significantly.

Secondly, however, some disadvantages must seriously concerned about this problem. First and foremost, because of the popularity of cell phones, everyone desires to have one. Therefore, poverty crimes related to phones will be increased. For instance, people who want to have a phone will do everything to get one even mugging or robbing. Secondly, phones are also considered to be one of the major cause for car accidents. Drivers using their phones while driving are increasingly likely to convict accidents, especially when texting or calling in car. This makes drivers distracted and therefore, accidents happen easier.

In conclusion, despite the fact that mobile phones bring a number of advantages, they also contain considerable disadvantages that should be thoroughly considered.

Answer 1

Mình có nhận xét qua bài của bạn thế này, chúc bạn học tập tốt.

1. Bạn viết lộn xộn về coherence và cohesion. Lỗi đơn giản: 1 đoạn có đến 2 cái Secondly.

First and foremost, because of the popularity of cell phones, everyone desires to have one. Therefore, poverty crimes related to phones will be increased. ----> điện thoại nhiều thì liên quan đến tội phạm về an ninh mạng thông qua đt, thông tin cá nhân, tài khoản ngân hàng, chứ ai cũng có thì cướp làm j nữa (ko hợp lý lắm)

For instance, people who want to have a phone will do everything to get one even mugging or robbing ----> Cái đấy đâu phải ví dụ, nó là giải thích là loại tội phạm nào thôi.

2. Ý chả có tí liên quan luôn. advantages and disadvantages of the widespread use of cell phones đâu liên quan gì đến việc đi đường nghe đt đâu bạn, ngta có thể dừng lại nghe mà.

 

Comments

Thanks bạn rất nhiều vì đã góp ý vào bài của mình :D Mình cũng mới viết thôi nên chắc sẽ còn lộn xộn, bạn thông cảm :)

Answer 2

In recent years, the world has seen a substantial rise in the number of mobile phones being used for both work-related and personal purposes. This tendency has brought both benefits and drawbacks, which will be discussed in this essay.

First of all, the widespread use of mobile communication is beneficial in some aspects. Phones enable work communication to become more convenient and efficient. Instead of writing a letter to business components, now companies may just make a phone call. It has proven to be helpful, especially in situations such as a sudden appointment cancellation. Moreover, the outbreak of mobile phone usage has also brought significant benefits to the economy. The phone manufacturing industry has developed rapidly. It creates more jobs for people and therefore reduces the unemployment rate significantly.

However, some disadvantages are seriously concerning about this change. First and foremost, because of the popularity of cell phones, everyone desires to have one. Therefore, crimes such as theft related to phones will increase when people who want to have a phone will do everything to get one. Second, phones are also considered to be one of the major causes for car accidents. People using their phones while driving are increasingly likely to cause accidents, especially when texting or making a call. This makes drivers distracted and therefore accidents occur more easily.

In conclusion, despite the fact that mobile phones bring a number of advantages, they also contain considerable disadvantages that should be thoroughly considered.

Gop y:

Phần mở bài và kết thúc khá ngắn gọn và câu văn cô đọng. Tuy nhiên, phần nội dung chính mắc khá nhiều lỗi sai về ngữ pháp và từ vừng.

+ widespread được dùng như tính từ và sau nó cần phải có danh từ hoặc cụm danh từ, không được dùng động từ sau widespread.

+Theo sau prove to be phải là một tính từ hoặc cụm danh từ (a/an/the + adj+ noun)

+Một số lỗi ngữ pháp khác: must + động từ nguyên mẫu, cách dùng câu Chủ động và bị động ( crimes such as theft related to phones will increase)