Bài Discursive Essay Band 6.5 của bạn Tuanmox
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It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment, such as South pole.
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
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334 words – BAND 5.0
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The development of transportation and technology has enabled us (1) to conquer many natural areas where we (2) could not reach before. This phenomenon has created several merits and demerits. However, I postulate (3) that we can gain more benefits from this development.
In one hand (4), this development might have some glaring drawbacks. It is a cogent idea that travelling to remote natural places can deteriorate the environmental structure of these areas. We cannot deny (5) that the appearance of a lot of (6) climbers conquering Everest Mount (7) (8) has a negative impact on the beauty and the natural environment here (9). Thousands tonnes of garbage have been dispensed (10) on the way reaching the mount every day, which pollutes the area seriously. The lives of citizens in these places is (11) also influenced by the new lifestyle of travelers (12) from other countries. This change can be the reason for the disappearance of some culture (13) in the world.
However (14), approaching remote natural environment can bring about more benefits. This can help human being have a deeper understanding on the development of the galaxy (16) or the way that the earth was formed. With this new discovery (17), the scientists can explain and come up with several measures to control some acute environmental disasters (17). Taking an example, the scientists now can easily reach two poles to research on the glaciers to record and warn the world about the (18) global warming. Moreover, traveling to difficult-to-reach areas is an attractive business. More and more tourists are now willing to spend a large amount of money to have a day enjoying the life in the south Pole (19). There are more jobs created for the indigenous citizens and the country owning that environment (20) also receives more revenue from the tourists.
In conclusion, I believe that traveling to remote or mountainous (21) areas is an (22) manifest trend for not only the (23) tourism but (24) the (25) researching as well (26). Nevertheless, we (27) have to aware (28) that discovering these places is a way to help us understand our precious world (29) not to destroy our mutual home (30).
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Overall: 5.0
To some fastidious examiners, this band score can be reduced by 0.5
Task Achievement: 5.5
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
Lexical: 5.0
Grammar: 5.0
Detailed comments:
Task Response: you have generally addresses the task. However, your expressions are not clear enough to support your main ideas.
Coherence and Coherence: there are also problems with referencing and transitional words.
Lexical Resources: modest. Better word choices for certain contexts should be selected.
Grammar: basic problems with articles, paralellism and other mistakes
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Dưới đây là chú giải chi tiết, nếu các bạn cần xem chi tiết có thể tham khảo phần dưới đây:
(1) Spoken language
(2) Spoken language
(3) Inappropriate word choice
(4) ‘In one hand’ -> ‘On the one hand’
(5) Spoken language
(6) Spoken language
(7) Should be ‘Mount Everest’
(8) Cautious language is required
(9) ‘There’ is the correct word in this context; but both ‘here’ and ‘there’ are rather informal. Consider: ‘of these places’
(10) Inappropriate collocation: ‘dispense’ – ‘garbage’; the verb should be: ‘dispose’, ‘dump’
(11) Grammar: is -> are
(12) This should be ‘the lifestyle of travelers’, because ‘the new lifestyle of travelers’ means there is a lifestyle of travelers, which is new to them (we don’t know if it is new to the locals)
(13) ‘Culture’ can be both countable and uncountable. If it is uncountable, ‘some culture’ is too vague (‘some’ can be ‘any’). If it is countable, which makes more sense, you should write ‘some cultures’, plural.
(14) When you have already used ‘on the one hand’ in the first body paragraph, you should write ‘on the other hand’ in the second one.
(15) The example of the galaxy is not really relevant
(16) Too vague, what discovery?
(17) You don’t really want to control environmental disasters, do you?
(18) Wrong place to place ‘the’
(19) Capitalisation mistake
(20) It is awkward to say that a country ‘owns’ the environment
(21) The inclusion of ‘mountainous’ is irrelevant
(22) Artile “an” -> “a”
(23) Wrong place to place ‘the’
(24) ‘but also’
(25) Wrong place to place ‘the’
(26) ‘as well’ should be removed
(27) Spoken language
(28) ‘be aware’
(29) You must add a comma or the conjunction ‘and’
(30) This whole ending sentence is not really relevant to the question “Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages” – You have gone a bit too far.
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