Bài Opinion Essay Band 6.0 của bạn Eminemviet;
Link bài viết gốc ở đây: http://scholarshipplanet.info/check/2015/d%E1%BB%81-thi-ielts-10-01-2015-leaders-and-directors-organisation-are-normally-elder-people?show=2036#a2036
Bài chữa được thực hiện bởi Tu Pham IPP www.facebook.com/ipphanoi
Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally elder people. Some people think younger leader would be better.
Do you agree or disagree?
Many people believe that management positions in a company should be taken by young leaders rather than their colleagues at older age <1>. While I advocate this argument, I believe that efficiency <2> in work <3> of older leaders should also be widely acknowledged. <*>
On the one hand, there are several reasons justify why <4> high management positions should be occupied by young talented workers. Firstly, the young may sometimes make minor mistakes, but they can handle unexpected incidents occurring on a regular basis in the workplace instantly. For example, young managers are often more dynamic, flexible and quicker in processing problems of shortage of capital <5> for a new business venture of a company compared to their elder counterparts. Secondly, the young has <6> more desires to devote themselves in order to gain the sense of recognition. This would substantially benefit those organizations in various aspects such as creating a <7> enthusiastic environment in the workplace. <**>
On the other hand, there is no doubt that experience and profound knowledge <8> of older leaders explain their dominance. In virtue of these advantages, the older could fulfill the tasks required of them with higher efficiency. For example, because elders are more experienced to avoid potential obstacles in the way of achieving aimed goals; <9> the cost, effort and energy invested in these goals are more likely to become less for elders in comparison with younger one <10>. This would minimize a company’s precious resources which could be allocated to other important targets for its <11> sustainable development. <**>
In conclusion, although I openly advocate the trend that it would be better for the young to take high positions in organizations, I believe the elder also merits those positions. <***>
|
Overall: 6.0
To some fastidious examiners, this band score can be reduced by 0.5
Task Response: 5.0
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
Lexical: 7.0
Grammar: 5.5
Your Task Response score is heavily reduced due to mistakes *, ** and ***. This can be described as ‘addressing the task only partially’.
Even if you attempt to write a discussion-led opinion essay, your paragraphing and opinion language must be used in a more coherent way. Your cohesion, however, is fairly good.
Your Lexical Resources are very good: formal vocabulary has been used throughout the writing with range and flexibility. This is the best part of this writing.
But Grammar is really one of your weaknesses. 10/11 of the numbered mistakes are grammatical ones. Important topics to improve: articles and parallelism.
|
Proofreading notes:
*. The question is about your opinion, so you must state your opinion in this essay.
But it is very awkward and unclear when you use ‘I advocate’ in the dependent clause, and ‘I believe’ in the independent one. Normally, using this ‘while’ structure to indicate contrast, we emphasise the information in the independent clause.
However, for that the word ‘advocate’ is somewhat stronger than ‘believe’, I would assume that you stance is more on the young people’s side.
**. The two body paragraphs do not explain your point of view. They are just general discussion on the two sides.
***. Similar to *, in a sentence ‘although’ although to indicate concession, the independent clause normally contains the emphasised information. So your writing here is very misleading.
-
An article is missing. You can write ‘an older age’ or ‘older ages’
-
Article ‘the’ is missing
-
Article ‘the’ is missing
-
In a single clause, you used two verbs: ‘are’ and ‘justify’. You can either remove ‘justify’ or write ‘justifying’
-
An article is missing. You can either write ‘the shortage of capital’ or ‘capital shortage’
-
Cautious language is required
-
‘an’, not ‘a’
-
Unparalleled structure: you should add an adjective before the noun ‘experience’
-
Just a comma, not a semicolon, because the former clause is a dependent one
-
Unparalleled structure: this should be ‘with those for younger ones’
-
Unclear reference: the main subject of the first clause is ‘resources’, not ‘the company’; so the use of ‘its’ is inappropriate.
|
*
Cách thức gửi bài chữa cho Thư viện: Theo Post này: https://www.facebook.com/thuvienbaichuaIELTS/posts/833077206751807
Thư viện Bài chữa IELTS được hỗ trợ về mặt nội dung bởi thầy Tú Phạm và IPP IELTS Hà Nội với các thầy cô 8.0 IELTS
www.facebook.com/ipphanoi