Mọi người giúp mình sửa bài này với ạ! IELTS TASK 2

Question

TOPIC: In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.  Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

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Nowadays, there are a lot of young people who like working or travelling after finishing high school for a year; this is called as gap year. This hobby is becoming more popular in a lot of countries. However, students cannot only get a lot of advantages from work or journey but also have to faced many disadvantages.

Firstly, when young people attend in journey or a job, they can get a lot of experiences. This helps us know how to overcome difficulties or how to get success. When getting experiences, young people will feel this world which is beautiful and interested place. In addition, through a journey or a job, students are easy to make many friends. Friends can help them to share sadness or happiness in their daily activities. Their life will be easier and more relaxed. Besides that, gap year can help younger who get money. Students can save money for university study in the future; and the feeling of getting money by themselves makes them excited.

Nevertheless, it is clear that there is always disadvantages which parallel to advantages. At first, when young people adore jobs or journeys, they do not want to go to university. At the moment, they think that job or journey is appropriated for themselves. They become lazily to start a new study program and do not want to come back studying environment. Besides that, young people will be difficult in beginning studying when they return from working or travelling environment. They do not how to acquaint with lectures, professors again. Moreover, young people can be unlucky in gap year. They can face with accidents or diseases suddenly in travelling or working. This leads to bad influences on their health.

To sum up, after analyzing both point of views, it is clear that activities in gap year can bring both advantages and disadvantages for young people. In my opinion, each younger should have gap year which can help us enjoy a lot of feelings and interested memories in the life.

Answer 1

Nowadays, there are(is) a lot of young people who like working or travelling after finishing high school for a year; this is called as gap year. This hobby is becoming more popular in a lot of countries. However,(whether students who spent a year for work or journey can reach advantages or face to problems is a controversial dilemmal) students can not only get a lot of advantages from work or journey but also have to faced many disadvantages. (Not only.... but also không nên dùng cho ý trái ngược nhau, sẽ phù hợp hơn nếu dùng theo nghĩa bổ sung cho nhau )

Firstly, when young people attend in journey or a job, they can get a lot of( có thể thay thế bằng a great number of hoặc the wide range of) experiences. This helps us to know how to overcome difficulties or how to get success. When getting experiences, young people will feel this world which is beautiful and interested(interesting) place. In addition, through a journey or a job, students( thay thế là learners or pupils) are easy to make many friends. Friends can help them to share sadness or happiness in their daily activities. Their life will be easier and more relaxed. Besides that, gap year can help younger who get money  (to make money). Students(they) can save money for university study in the future; and the feeling of getting money by themselves makes them excited.

Nevertheless, it is clear that there is always disadvantages which parallel to advantages. At first, when young people adore jobs or journeys, they do not want to go to university. At the moment, they think that job or journey is appropriated for themselves. They become lazily to start a new study program and do not want to come back studying environment. Besides that, young people will be difficult in beginning studying when they return from working or travelling environment. They do not how to acquaint with lectures, professors again. Moreover, young people can be unlucky in gap year. They can face with accidents or diseases suddenly in travelling or working. This leads to bad influences on their health.( bạn có thể hạn chế dùng cấu trúc câu do not và sử dụng "can")

To sum up, after analyzing both point of views, it is clear that activities in gap year can bring both advantages and disadvantages for young people. In my opinion, each younger should have gap year which can help us enjoy a lot of feelings and interested memories in the life.

Comments

Thanks a lot :*

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there are chứ sao lại is?

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t nhầm sorry không để ý kỹ

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Dạo gần đây, mnih2 thấy văn viết người ta ít dung a lot of !!

Answer 2

Nowadays, there are a lot of young people who like working or travelling after finishing high school for a year; this is (viết thế này sẽ bị hiểu là cả vế phía trước, -> which is) called as gap year. This hobby is becoming more popular in a lot of (lặp từ) countries (chuyển đoạn này thành "all over the world"). However, students cannot only (không thể sử dụng only-but also ở đây vì hai vế trái ngược ý nhau) get a lot of advantages (->while students certainly benefit from...)  from work or journey but also have to faced (face, sau have to dùng inf) many disadvantages (-> they also have to dealt with some problems)

attend in journey or a job => (sau attend không có "in") make a trip or do a job

get a lot of experiences => obtain/achieve, a variety of

This helps us => These (hướng tới experiences) help them (vì câu trước dùng they)

This helps us know how to overcome difficulties or how to get success => in order to enjoy/achieve more success in the future (ý ở câu này chung chung quá, bạn nên đi cụ thể hơn vào điểm khác biệt của gap year; sau câu này bạn nên đưa ra ví dụ cụ thể luôn, đừng chỉ đưa quan điểm không)

When getting experiences, young people will feel this world which is beautiful and interested place => câu này thực sự là hơi cụt, bạn nên đi sâu thêm vào benefit của nó. Việc diễn đạt cũng chưa ổn, experience bị sử dụng lặp, bạn có thể chuyển nó thành valuable knowledge/information/skills young people/students acquire/improve/obtain/enhance during... will totally aid them in V-ing/make them V/...

n addition, through a journey or a job, students are easy to make many friends => It is easier for student to make friend ("student" thì không "easy" được, "make friend" thôi là kết bạn, chứ không "làm nhiều bạn"). Đại ý câu này có thể chuyển tự nhiên hơn như sau: Visiting many places and interacting with many customers will provide them with great/good chances to...

===> Nói chung bạn đang dùng lặp từ khá nhiều, sử dụng cấu trúc câu quá đơn giản, chưa có sự gắn kết, sai ngữ pháp. Gợi ý cho bạn sẽ nên học thêm các cấu trúc câu, cố gắng tránh lặp từ bằng cách dùng từ gần nghĩa hoặc diễn đạt bằng ý khác, sử dụng collocation dictionary để tìm và học các cách kết hợp từ.

Comments

Uhm, mình cũng thấy đc hạn chế đó, cũng đang cố gắng khắc phục. Cảm ơn bạn nhiều nhé!