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De writing ngay 08/11/2014

Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person's nature. Discuss and give your opinion.

          Nowadays, the crime rate in a lot of countries has been on the increase. This serious problem has raised a lot concern and worry for many people in our society. Some people lay the blame for criminal activities on a bad person’s nature; others believe it is social problems and poverty that are responsible. Let us go to the basics of this issue to find out the causes of crime.

          One of the reasons that are given for a person’s tendency towards crime is that he or she was born with that character embedded in their genes and when they grow up, they can commit a crime no matter of what kind of education or nurture they have received. While this may be the case with some individual criminals being born with an intrinsic drive to rob or kill, it is unrealistic to say that human innate nature is to blame for most of the crimes committed in our society. In the criminal records of the Ho Chi Minh City Police Department and in the articles of some newspapers, it can be seen that many criminal cases are related to the families whose living standards were below the poverty line. According to some recent social surveys in Vietnam, there is a high correlation between the increasing crime rate and the spate in social evils.      

          Therefore, it is true that poverty and social problems are the real culprits of most criminal activities. One of the biggest problems in our modern society is unemployment, which makes a lot of families unable to make both ends meet.  In times of financial crisis, some young people can resort to theft or burglary to make a living, and over time they may become accustomed to using force to take what does not really belong to them. Drug addiction is also a social evil that has caused several young people to take to a life of crime. It has been reported by several newspapers that the majority of such felonies as arson, murder and robbery are committed by drug addicts.

          In conclusion, except for a few cases of crimes which are under genetic control, it is my belief that for the most part, crimes are related to the people who are from a deprived background or who suffer from other adverse environmental factors.  Therefore it is necessary for a society to eradicate their social problems before trying to address the problem of crime.

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Thứ nhất, bài bạn viết sử dụng khá nhiều từ khó như embeddedin, being born with an intrinsic,human innate nature,high correlation......mình nghĩ bạn sẽ dc điểm từ vựng tuy nhiên mình ko đủ khả năng xác định xem bạn dùng cho chính xác ngữ cảnh các từ ý không

Thứ hai, idea của bạn khá hay, mình cũng viết bài này và cũng sử dụng idea khá giống bạn.

Tuy nghiên, bài của bạn bị dài, hơn 400 từ, mình nghĩ bạn nên cắt bớt một số,

Thêm nữa là theo mình thấy kết cấu bài bạn ko chặt:

Ví dụ đoạn một, câu topic ý bạn đưa ra  tội ác do cô ta hoặc anh ta sinh ra với cái bản chất xấu xa ngấm vào gen nên khi lớn họ phạm tội dù cho có được giáo dục kĩ thế nào đi nữa. mình nghĩ đây là một idea hay
Nhưng ví dụ bạn đưa ra đoạn này  "In the criminal records of the Ho Chi Minh City Police Department.....below the poverty line"  lại nói về nguyên nhân gây ra phạm tội có liên quan tới nh~ gia đình nghèo khó có chuẩn sống dưới mức nghèo.. Theo mình bạn nên sắp xếp lại các ý của mình
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Cam on ban rat nhieu ve loi de nghi rat hay cua ban. Ve so tu vung da su dung dung la minh da viet qua nhieu va can phai viet ngan gon lai. Tuy nhien minh nghi la o doan body 1, cau topic la cau thu 2 "while ........society" nen nguoi doc co the hieu duoc
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Nowadays, the crime rate in a lot of countries has been on the increase. This serious problem has raised a lot concern and worry for many people in our society. Some people lay the blame for criminal activities on a bad person’s nature; others believe it is social problems and poverty that are responsible. Let us go to the basics of this issue to find out the causes of crime.

          One of the reasons that are given for a person’s tendency towards crime is that he or she was born with that character that is embedded in their genes and when they grow up, they can commit a crime no matter of what kind of education or nurture that they have received. While this may be the case with some individual criminals being born with an intrinsic drive to rob or kill, it is unrealistic to say that human innate nature is to blame for most of the crimes committed in our society. In the criminal records of the Ho Chi Minh City Police Department and in the articles of some newspapers, it can be seen that many criminal cases are related to the families whose living standards were below the poverty line. According to some recent social surveys in Vietnam, there is a high correlation between the increasing crime rate and the spate in social evils.      

          Therefore, it is true that poverty and social problems are the real culprits of most criminal activities. One of the biggest problems in our modern society is unemployment statuses, which makes a lot of families unable to make both ends meet (????).  In times of financial crisis, some young people can resort to theft or burglary to make a living, and over time they may become accustomed to familiar with using force violences to take what does not really belong to them. Drug addiction is also a social evil that has caused several young people to take involve in to a life of crime. It has been reported by several newspapers that the majority of such felonies as arson, murder and robbery are committed by drug addicts.

          In conclusion, except for a few cases of crimes which are under genetic control, it is my belief that for the most part, crimes are related to the people who are come from a deprived background or who suffer from other adverse environmental factors.  Therefore it is necessary for a society to eradicate their social problems before trying to address the problem of crime.

 

------------->You shouldn't use personal pronouns in your essay, eg: I, he, she,....

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2 Comments

- Why not?
- you mustn't use an S after violence, which is an uncountable noun
- to get involved in ...    NOT involve in
- unemployment statuses ??????
- what kind of education or nurture that they have received . THAT can be omitted in this relative clause
- make ends meet = to have just enough money to pay for the things that you need
- Thanks for your correction




-
If you use personal pronoun, it will not sound formal in your essay. Many teachers don't encourage use that.

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