bài viết có topic sentence rất rõ ràng
các details làm rõ được các topic sentences
tuy nhiên bài viết còn thiếu ví dụ để dẫn chứng
It is true that crime is (nen ghi la becomes de tranh lap lai tu is) the most serious social issue nowadays. While it can be argued (nen ghi la some argues) that it is a result of the nature of rotten people, I believe that the poverty and social problems are the most likely cause of crime.(trong giới thiệu bạn nhấn mạnh điều này, nhưng xuống phần thân lại đưa vấn đề thứ nhất để phân tích trước, tôi nghĩ bạn đã nghiêng về cái nào thì phải emphasic nó chứ)
There are several reasons why crime may proceed from the nature of offenders. At first, one of the human essences is cruelty which may be on excessive levels in certain individuals. These people have more tendency to perform brutal actions than others, resulting in that the likelihood to commit crimes for them is much higher. The testimony of serial killers that it is pleasant when they witness the death of their fellow-creature is a typical example. In addition, those who are mentally disturbed are likely to become the most dangerous offenders. Their motives of vicious actions is not quite definite. It could originate from disembodied voices, which prompting them to damage others, in their head.
Despite above argument, I believe that a crime might be caused by social problems and poverty. Firstly, poverty is the environment which compels disadvantaged people to perform evil actions. For example, once basic demand such as food or safe refuge cannot be fulfilled by reason of financial struggles, law will not have adequate power to hinder people from implementing illegal activities to sustain their life. Secondly, inequality, which is a noticeable social phenomenon, provokes resentment in those treated unfair; therefore, disruptive behavior or participating in rebels, which is responsible for adverse consequences to society, is regarded as a way to respond to unfairness they received and also an approach to relieve their resentment.( đoạn viết này nên đưa là đoạn đầu tiên để phân tích ý mở bài của bạn muốn nhấn mạnh về ocial problems and poverty)
In conclusion, in some extreme circumstances, the nature of bad person causes crime may be accurate; but in most cases, social issues are more likely to be the causes.