Bài ielts task 2 ngày 6/1 - SPORTS - DISCUSSION [closed]

Question

  Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people suggest that participating in team sports is better than playing in individual sports and vice versa. From my perspective, I believe that both types of sports always benefit on players and it depends a lot on their characteristics as well as which aims they want to achieve when playing those sports.

   It is worth noticing that taking part in team sports, like volleyball or soccer ,gives people more chances to develop their interpersonal skills, particularly in teamwork and communication skills. That's the reason why people become better in day - to - day social interaction with others and those sports also benefit them in their workplace. Moreover, in team sports, it is deemed to be the best opportunity for players to enhance a sense of unity, friendship and sportsmanship between teamates, which makes them feel a part of something and absolutely, playing in team sports adds value to people's lives.

   On the other hand, the advantages that individual sports bring play an important role for those who love those kinds of sports. As can be seen from their merits, people playing individual sports can develop their personal skills. It means that they are able to manage emotions, cope with stress and even build confidence and self - esteem. Additionally, individual sports teach them how to overcome any setbacks they may face by developing their mindset to be strong when having no one to rely on. Individuals choosing to play individual sports always consider those as a way to challenge themselves by setting goals and trying their best to achieve whatever they pursue.

   In conclusion, I appreciate all wonderful values which team sports and individual sports provide for people's mental and physical health. Therefore, players need to think whatever sports that are suitable for them to participate in.

Answer 1

To be honest, the introduction is rather weak and heavy.

For the first sentence, you can simply say "some people suggest that team sports are better than individual sports and vice versa", which implies that some other people might think of individual sports as being better than team sports, so the part "and vice versa" is redundant.

The worse just came later: "From my perspective, I believe that both types of sports always benefit on players and it depends a lot on their characteristics as well as which aims they want to achieve when playing those sports."

The part "it depends a lot on their characteristics as well as which aims they want to achieve when playing those sports" is heavy, and some words seem redundant. Why didn't you just say "it depends a lot on their characteristics and their aims" with no loss in meaning? What is the point in making the sentence longer than necessary?

In addition, you said "both types of sports always benefit players", so why does it still depend a lot on their characteristics and their aims. The first clause is absolutely strong and clearly states your position, but the following just weakens it.

Another example would be: "It is worth noticing that taking part in team sports, like volleyball or soccer ,gives people more chances to develop their interpersonal skills, particularly in teamwork and communication skills."

Again, can you think of another way to convey the same meaning with fewer words? 

You can say, for example, "First, taking part in team sports gives people more chances to develop their interpersonal skills".

Remember that "the longer your sentences are, the more heavy they will be".

Comments

Thank you for your feedback. I hope that you'll support me in the next tasks. Do you have any comments about my body 1 and body 2 in my essay?

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Hmm, there are some wordy sentences throughout the two body paragraphs, and it is impossible for me to point out everything. Make sure that you can apply my advice to the rest of your essay and to your next essays.

"The Shorter, The Better"