Some people think that celebrities could make good role models for young people, while others believe they do not

Question

In the contemporary world, entertainment plays a core role in human life, especially in the youth life.Therefore, many things related to the entertainment has substantial influence on these young people and among these things, famous stars like film stars, singers or sport stars have impacted strongly. There is a considerable debate weather famous people are good example for the youth or not. While I accept that the celebrities could not be a suitable pattern for teenagers, I am likely to assert that those are good one.

To begin with, the world of stars is so complex, so some argue that those living in this world cannot show a decent model for young people. Some singers, for instance, attempt to show up their body as sexy as possible to attract audiences. This could not say a right or wrong act, but it is definitely not  appropriate for youth people. Moreover, few mistakes of the stars could lead these youth to misunderstand about success. Looking at sport stars, due to fame and money, some sports celebrities accepted to sell their soul to cheat or take drugs in order to win the game. These actions seem to send a message that everything can be off to take success. Thus, teenagers will be put on fire if let them follow these celebrities.

In contrast to this, I believe that many valuable lessons can be taught from famous stars. First of all, the celebrities could inspire about their occupation for the youth because those are willing to follow their idols. For example, footballers could give passion of football for teenagers that would encourage them to attend plays which assists them healthier. In fact, there are large number of famous people was in lower classes in the society, but thank to their attempt, they became famous and wealthy people. Dinh Manh Ninh, a singer of Vietnam known as one of these is a prime example. These people, thus could teach young people about determination and efforts to surpass the fate. As a result, the celebrities could be decent teachers to educate teenagers.

In sum up, it seems to me that celebrities’ effect grants us an opportunity to teach juvenile generation many valuable lessons in life.

Answer 1

Hi sammy nguyen,

In general, your essay is quite good. However, I think it could be much more perfect if you pay closer attention to some following points.

- In my opinion, your introduction is quite long, so it seems that your essay is imbalance among three parts. I think it will be better if you write the introduction briefly. 

- I think  you should check spelling and grammar and word choice carefully:

In the contemporary world, entertainment plays a core role in human life, especially in the youth life.Therefore, many things related to the entertainment has substantial influence on these young people and among these things, famous stars like film stars, singers or sport stars have impacted strongly. There is a considerable debate weather (whether) famous people are good examples for the youth or not. While I accept that the some celebrities could not be a suitable pattern for teenagers, I am likely to assert that those some well-known people are good one models .

To begin with, the world of stars is so complex, so some argue that those living in this world cannot show a decent model for young people. Some singers, for instance, attempt to show up their body as sexy as possible to attract audiences. This could not say a right or wrong act, but it is definitely not  appropriate for youth people. Moreover, few mistakes of the stars could lead these youth to misunderstand about success. Looking at sport stars, due to fame and money, some sports celebrities accepted to sell their soul to cheat or take drugs (use doping) in order to win the game. These actions seem to send a message that everything can be off to take success. Thus, teenagers will be put on fire if let them follow these celebrities.

In contrast to this, I believe that many valuable lessons can be taught from famous stars. First of all, the celebrities could inspire about their occupation for the youth because those are willing to follow their idols. For example, footballers could give passion of football for teenagers that would encourage them to attend plays which assists them healthier. In fact, there are a large number of famous people that was are in lower classes in the society, but thank to their attempt, they have became famous and wealthy people. Dinh Manh Ninh, a singer of Vietnam known as one of these is a prime example. These people, thus could teach young people about determination and efforts to surpass the fate. As a result, the celebrities could be decent teachers to educate teenagers.

In To sum up, it seems to me that celebrities’ effect grants us an opportunity to teach juvenile (young) generation many valuable lessons in life.

That is all I want to share with you!

PS: if it is possible you should increase word size in the next times so that other members could follow your essay easily!:D

Good luck!

Nguyen Tinh

Answer 2

In the contemporary world, entertainment plays a core role in human life, especially in the youth life.Therefore, many things related¹ to the entertainment has substantial influence on these young people and among these things, famous stars like film stars, singers or sport stars have impacted strongly. There is a considerable debate weather² famous people are good examples for the youth or not. While I accept that the celebrities could not be a suitable pattern for teenagers, I am likely to assert that those are good one.

To begin with, the world of stars is so complex, so some argue that those living in this world cannot show a decent model for young people. Some singers, for instance, attempt to show up their body as sexy as possible to attract audiences. This could not say a right or wrong act, but it is definitely not  appropriate for youth people. Moreover, few mistakes of the stars could lead these youth to misunderstand about success. Looking at sport stars, due to fame and money, some sports celebrities accepted to sell their soul to cheat or take drugs in order to win the game. These actions seem to send a message that everything can be off to take success. Thus, teenagers will be put on fire if let them follow these celebrities.

In contrast to this, I believe that many valuable lessons can be taught from famous stars. First of all, the celebrities could inspire about their occupation for the youth³ because those are willing to follow their idols. For example, footballers could give passion of football for teenagers that would encourage them to attend plays which assists them healthier. In fact, there are large number of famous people was in lower classes in the society⁴, but thank to their attempt⁵, they became famous and wealthy people⁶. Dinh Manh Ninh, a singer of Vietnam known as one of these is a prime example. These people, thus could teach young people about determination and efforts to surpass the fate. As a result, the celebrities could be decent teachers to educate teenagers.

In sum up, it seems to me that celebrities’ effect grants us an opportunity to teach juvenile generation many valuable lessons in life.

1.       relating, rút gọn mệnh đề thể chủ động

2.       whether

3.       inspire the youth with their occupation, inspire sb with sth

4.       being lower classes of the society, rút gọn mệnh đề, một câu ko thể có hai động từ

5.       but it thanks to their attempt, but+clause

6.       famous and wealthy, cấu trúc song song ko thể adj+noun phrase đc

Theo mình đi học, giáo viên có nói nếu lấy vd nên lấy vd phổ biến thế giới ai đọc cũng biết, lấy vd vn giám khảo chấm thi sẽ ko thấy nó là một điển hình. Chúc bạn thành công

P/s: new member, mong chia sẽ kinh nghiệm