Writing task 1 Cam 12 - test 5

Question

The bar chart demonstrates the proportion of citizens in Australia in six distinct of age groups who did the regular exercise in 2010.
Overall, the percentage of both male and female in different age groups fluctuated from the age of 15 to 65 and over. It is clear that, Australia’s men did exercise at the age of 15 to 24 more than women, whilst at the age of 25 to 65 and over showed an opposite pattern.
Looking at the chart more closely, one can see that in the age 15 to 24, more than half of the Australia’s male doing regular exercise, reaching 52.8%. Whereas women’s percentage just only 47.4%, lower than man about 5%.
Furthermore, the percentage of man doing regular physical activity showed a downward trend at the age of 25 and always lower than women even up to 65 years old and over. There was a time that men’s percentage hit the bottom levels of the chart, at around 39.5%, while the proportion of women doing exercise approximately 50% or more. In the age of 45 to 54, female’s proportion reached the peak with 53.3%. After that, female’s percentage experienced a slight decrease to 47.1% at the age of 65 and over, nearly with the male’ percentage with 46.7%.

 

Bài này được khoảng band mấy ạ? Em target writing 5.5-6.0 ạ. 

Cảm ơn mọi người nhiều ạ

Answer 1

The bar chart demonstrates the proportion of citizens in Australia in six distinct of age groups who did the regular exercise -> exercise regularly in 2010.

Nên khi sau khi paraphrase: Overall, the percentage of both male and female in different age groups fluctuated from the age of 15 to 65 and over. It is clear that( theo 1 số native teacher thì cụm này uninformative/ learnt by heart nên ko khuyến khích, Australia’s men did exercise at the age of 15 to 24 sai grammar rùi, at the age ở trước more than women, whilst where is the subject???at the age of 25 to 65 and over showed an opposite pattern.