Bài IELTS Task 1 ngày 11/1/2020. Help me correct it pls thank you so much

Question

The given line chart compares the ratio of population in 4 age groups in New Zealand over a period of one century.

From the overall perspective, most of the age brackets witnessed a downtrend, except for people from 0 to 14. It also can be seen that the over-65-year-olds was by far the highest number in this country.

Looking at the chart in more detail, people aged 0 to 14 remained stable at the lowest proportion from 1950 to 1995 with approximately 5%, but later rose dramatically until 2050. However, after increasing slightly in the early years by 5%, the number of the citizen who belonged to the 25 to 37 age group saw a tremendous decrease and  was expected to make up the smallest number around 2% in the last year.

The figure for both people who fail into the 38 to 45 and over 65 age group grew up during the period between 1950 and 1990 then dropped gradually afterward and will hit the rock-bottom at nearly 40% and 55% respectively at the end of period shown.

 

 

Answer 1

The given line chart compares the ratio of population in 4 age groups in New Zealand over a period of one century.

From the overall perspective, most of the age brackets witnessed a downtrend, except for people from 0 to 14. It also can be seen that the over-65-year-olds was by far the highest number in this country.

Looking at the chart in more detail, people aged 0 to 14 remained stable at the lowest proportion from 1950 to 1995 with approximately 5%, but later rose dramatically until 2050. However, after increasing slightly in the early years by 5%, the number of the citizen who belonged to the 25 to 37 age group saw a tremendous decrease and  was expected (will be expected) to make up the smallest number around 2% in the last year-> in 2050

The figure for both people who fail into the 38 to 45 and over 65 age group grew up during the period between 1950 and 1990 then dropped gradually afterward and will hit the rock-bottom at nearly 40% and 55% respectively at the end of period shown.

Answer 2

Bạn chưa biết cách paraphrase đề rồi. Nhìn cái kiểu không copy lại đề là biết. 

The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

Đề như trên.

Cách 1: Bạn paraphrase một số cụm mình có đủ vốn từ, line graph (1), show (2), percentage (3), New Zealand population (4), from 1950 to 2050 (5). Bạn đã xử lý được (1) và (5) còn (4) bạn tách ra nhưng ghép ratio cho (3) không đúng nên từ population coi như chưa paraphrase.

- Mình góp ý chút là (1) không cần sửa còn (3) thì chỉ cần đổi thành proportion là xong. Đừng thay tùm lum theo kiểu rate, level, ratio chưa chắc đã đúng mà sẽ tốn thời gian chọn từ. 

- Riêng số (2) thì lưu ý là show thêm information about là ổn. Còn nếu dùng compare bạn phải tìm được nhóm đối tượng nào có thể bị đem ra so sánh, ví dụ so sánh ba nước, so sánh ba thành phố, so sánh ba nhóm tuổi, v.v. Như vậy thì cách bạn dùng ở đây đã đúng chưa? Mình sẽ không mạo hiểm dùng compare với đề này.

- Introduction phải thêm vào được yếu tố nhóm tuổi vì hình có đề cập. Theo mình thì in four age categories và by age group. 

Cách 2: Vẫn sử dụng các từ, cụm từ bên trên nhưng tận dùng hình, show information about the population growth of four different age groups in New Zealand. Cách này đơn giản nhất.