IELTS Writing Task 1 - 11/1/2020

Question

Mọi người góp ý giúp em bài sau, xem em được bao nhiêu chấm và cần luyện tập như nào để viết tốt hơn được không ạ?

A glance at the provided line graph reveals the proportion of people which varies according to age group in New Zealand from 1950 to the present day and predictions to the year 2050.

Overall, while the percentage of children under 14 years old and that of people falling into the 25 to 37 age group enjoyed upward trends, the opposite was seen in the other groups. In addition, it can be observed that New Zealand has had an aged population, with the majority of those aged 65 and older.

More specifically, the percentage of people aged from 38 to 45 underwent a dramatic upswing from somewhere in the vicinity of 35 percent in 1950 before reaching its peak of nearly a half in 1990, while that of the elderly group evidenced a more slightly rise from roughly 60 percent to its highest point of 70 percent. The figures then were reported to decline and are anticipated to continue these trends to shy of approximately 40 percent for the former and to 55 percent for the latter in 2050.

Having the same trend, the proportion of the next younger group witnessed a downturn but earlier, since 1960, with a marked projection to account for less than one percent of total citizens in the future. Meanwhile, albeit being the minority of New Zealand residents during sixty years, the number of youngsters is estimated to rise substantially to reach a fifth of this country's population, surpassing the 25-37 class.

Answer 1

First one, you wrote: ...to the year 2050. Overall, while the percentage of children under 14 years old and that...
Instead of "percentage," use "number" with a plural. Try this: "a number of children". Second, "The figures then were reported to decline and are anticipated to continue these t...", It should be "reported declining" and "anticipate continuing".
There are few mistakes in gerund and word choice but overall, your writting is quite good.

Answer 2

Introduction em viết không ổn. Tốn thời gian và không tận dụng được hình vẽ.

1. The line graph shows information about là quá đủ. Không cần bất kỳ cụm nào cầu kỳ.

2. Cách 1 là dùng population growth của hình vẽ.

3. Cách 2 là thay các cụm của đề, là cụm the percentage of New Zealand population, thành the proportion of the population in New Zealand hoặc the proportion of New Zealand's population.  

4. Trong hình có bốn nhóm tuổi mà em chưa cho by age group hay in four age categories vào.

5. Trong đề chỉ có from 1950 to 2050 nên chỉ cần quan tâm đến cả giai đoạn. Vì vậy chỉ cần over a period of 100 years between 1950 and 2050 là xong.