Chào ngày mới! Mọi người sửa bài giúp em với ạ: Eating meal

Question

The tradition that a family gets together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons and what are the impacts?

Today, the more the world is developing, the more likely people are to gather around the table and eat together. There are a great amount of reasons behind this change and problems that need to considering.

To begin with, no one can deny that people are more engaged with work and study than those in the past that they forget the existence of each member in the family. They have to complete unlimited tasks under pressure and a chievements; therefore, meal time is no longer crucial to them because they have to spend every single second to finish. More seriously, some families always have conflicts with money, kids, marriage and other similar things, so it is difficult for them to join the meals with others. As a result, the times people spend time with each other in meals gradually decreases and one day, it will permanently disappear.

Consequently, several reasons above contribute to lessening the love and making a distance between people. They will not care about each other if they keep being busy and hurting others. Futhermore, they will become more and more emotionless. For example, when a woman spends most of her time in workplace that she does not have time to cook. It means that her husband and children alwways eat meal without her presence. Thus, this situation leads to a gap between herself and family and a lack of loving upbringing of the children from her.

To sum up, people are too crazy with career and do not get along well explains why family time is reduced. It can give rise to a person insensity to one another due to the blank that is created when people do not have a tendency to eat together anymore.

Answer 1

Ý của bạn mình k dám sửa nhưng có vài câu dẫn cô mình chỉ mình dùng cho academic hon như as a results bạn có thể thay băngf it is naturally following. Hay trong trường hợp bàn luận vấn đề này mình nghĩ dùng More importantly sẽ hợp hơn là More seriously và cái chỗ and other similar things ý cô mình có gợi ý dùng the list goes on and on ( và còn nhiều thứ nữa ^^ vì mình hay dùng so on nên cô chỉ mình như vậy á). Ở ý 2 của bạn ví dụ vẫn còn khá chung á, trước mình cũng hay viết như bạn nhưng cô có sửa lại kiểu như Phụ nữ ở Vn cho cụ thể b có thể đổi cấu trúc for example thành take almost woman in Vietnam as an example .... they do not have sufficient time/enough time ( tránh dùng ngôi she/he/I trong bài luận nhé ❤️ chỉ có vài tips cô dạy cho mình để giúp bạn vậy thôi chứ k có giỏi để sửa hết đc ^^ chúc bạn học tốt

Comments

Thế à? Cảm ơn bạn nhóe!

Answer 2

Source: https://s3-ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/ielts.forums/Ch%C3%A0o-ng%C3%A0y-m%E1%BB%9Bi.-M%E1%BB%8Di-ng%C6%B0%E1%BB%9Di-s%E1%BB%ADa-b%C3%A0i-gi%C3%BAp-em-v%E1%BB%9Bi-%E1%BA%A1.-Eating-meal-fixed.docx

The tradition that a family gets together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons and what are the impacts?

Today, the more the world is developing, the more likely people are to gather around the table and eat togethe[tn1] r. There are a great amount of [tn2] reasons behind this change and problems that need to considering.

To begin with, no one can deny that [tn3] people are more engaged with work and study[tn4]  than those in the past that they forget the existence of each member in the family[tn5] . They have to complete unlimited tasks under pressure and a chievements; therefore, meal time is no longer crucial to them because they have to spend every single second to finish[tn6] . More seriously[tn7] , some families always have conflicts with money, kids, marriage and other similar things, so it is difficult for them to join the meals with others. As a result, the times people spend time with each other in meals gradually decreases and one day, it will permanently disappear.

Consequently, several reasons above contribute to lessening the love and making a distance between people. They will not care about each other if they keep being busy and hurting others. Futhermore, they will become more and more emotionless. For example, when a woman spends most of her time in workplace that she does not have time to cook. It means that her husband and children alwways eat meal without her presence. Thus, this situation leads to a gap between herself and family and a lack of loving upbringing of the children from her.

To sum up, people are too crazy [tn8] with career and do not get along well explains why family time is reduced[tn9] . It can give rise to a person insensity to one another due to the blank that is created when people do not have a tendency to eat together anymore[tn10] .

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 [tn1]Idea suggestion: wrong topic. People less engage together in dinner

=> the less likely people gather….

 [tn2]Grammar error: amount of is used for uncountable nouns

=> a great number of reasons/many

 [tn3]Idea suggestion

=> It is undeniable that…

 [tn4]Idea suggestion:

=>Engaged together through their works and study activities…

 [tn5]Idea suggestion: this idea seems not to be convincing,how can someone forget the existence of their familiies

=> they do not have sufficient to to take care or to be with their families.

 [tn6]Idea suggestion

=> due to overwhelming workload and pressure at works, people tend to spend fewer time for their families and family dinners are replaced by meetings or bussiness trips.

 [tn7]Grammar error: seriously is adverb

=> futhermore

 [tn8]Busy seems to be more appropriate

=> busy with their careers

 [tn9]Grammar error: you can use relative clause

=> people are too busy to follow their embitions and careers, and do not have enough of time to take care of their families which bring negative influences on relationships among members.

 [tn10]Idea is not clear.

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CRITERIA	GRADE	COMMENT
Task Achievement	6	• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others • presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive • presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Coherence and Cohesion	6	• arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression • uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical • may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately • uses paragraphing, but not always logically
Lexical Resource	6	• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task • attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy • makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy	6	• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms • makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
Overall	6.0