Socializing online

Question

These days, more and more people find using apps to communicate preferable when it is compared to socializing directly. From my point of views, this advancement is positive due to the convenience which has been brought to human life.
First of all, socializing online is essential for people who are always engaged with their working schedules such as bosses and presidents, because they can easily attend a conference or a meeting through a screen at their place. Hence, they do not need to return to their company for being in person for the meeting when they are in business somewhere. For example, when a company had an urgent problem that needed to discuss and the boss and his manager were overseas but they could control the discussion effectively by sitting in front of the computer and using Facebook or Skype without turning back.
Second of all, with respect to exchange students or those who are studying in another country, it is crucial to keep in touch with their families. Thus, contacting online will help them with this thing so that they do not need to pay for the telephone bill with high costs. To illustrate, Preeda, who is my Thai friend, is a good example of this. As she had been Ireland for her university study, she had not had a phone for her own., so she just was able to write letters to her parents . One day, Preeda could call her family on Zalo whenever she wanted since she had bought herself an old smart phone after trying to save money for months.
All in all, I believe that online talking is advantageous. Thanks to it, leaders cannot get bothered by turning back to join the appointments and students can maintain the touch with relatives although they are away.

Answer 1

Source: https://s3-ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/ielts.forums/Writing-Task-2_-Social-application-8.docx

These days, more and more people find using apps to communicate preferable[D1]  when it is compared to socializing directly[D2] . From my point of views[D3] , this advancement is positive due to the convenience [D4] which has been brought to human life[D5] .
First of all, socializing online [D6] is essential for people who are always engaged [D7] with their working schedules such as bosses and presidents, because they can easily attend [D8] a conference or a meeting through a screen at their place. Hence, they do not need to return to their company [D9] for being in person for the meeting when they are in business somewhere[D10] . For example, when a company had[D11]  an urgent problem that needed [D12] to discuss and the boss and his manager were overseas but they could control the discussion effectively by sitting in front of the computer and using Facebook or Skype without turning back[D13] .
Second of all, with respect to exchange students [D14] or those who are studying in another country, it is crucial to keep in touch with their families. Thus, contacting online will help them with this thing so that they do not need to pay for the telephone bill with high costs. To illustrate, Preeda, who is my Thai friend, is a good example of this. As she had been Ireland for her university study[D15] , she had not had a phone for her own., so she just was able to write letters to her parents . One day, Preeda could call her family on Zalo [D16] whenever she wanted since she had bought herself an old smart phone after trying to save money for months.
All in all, I believe that online talking is advantageous. Thanks to it, leaders cannot get bothered by turning back to join the appointments and students can maintain the touch with relatives although they are away.

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 [D1]Grammar error: You cannot add an adjective here as it does not make any sense.

 [D2]Grammar error: Compared to + noun, => Compared to present/past society.

 [D3]Grammar error: View.

 [D4]Idea suggestion: Its convenience.

 [D5]Grammar error: This is a fact, hence it is not necessary to use this tense, =>  Which brings to humankind.

 [D6]Idea suggestion: Social network applications are.

 [D7]Meaning error: It does not make any sense to use passive voice here, => Who engage

 [D8]Grammar error: After a modal verb + infinitive verb, => Can attend.

 [D9]Idea suggestion: It should be plural noun, => Their companies.

 [D10]Idea suggestion: These words are not necessary.

 [D11]Idea suggestion: Has.

 [D12]Grammar error: Needs.

 [D13]Idea suggestion: Do not use the for general noun like this, => Managers or chief executive officers are in oversee, they would be able to have a meeting with their employees via bunch of Internet app.

 [D14]Meaning error: What is the point when you mention RESPECT.

 [D15]Vocabulary error: For studying in university.

 [D16]Grammar error: Via Zalo app.

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CRITERIA	GRADE	COMMENT
Task Achievement	6	• sufficiently addresses all parts of the task • presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas
Coherence and Cohesion	6	• sequences information and ideas logically • manages all aspects of cohesion well • uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately
Lexical Resource	6	• uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings • skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation • produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation
Grammatical Range and Accuracy	5	• uses a wide range of structures • the majority of sentences are error-free • makes only very occasional errors or inappropriate
Overall	6

 

 

 

Comments

Thank you!

I have something to tell you that I use the structure S + find + something + adj, so I don't think [D1] is a mistake

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And one more thing, I use the phrase 'with respect to' with the meaning of 'concerning'

Watch here: https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/respect_1#respect_idmg_3