More and more women go out to work nowadays. What are the reasons? [closed]

Question

"Nowadays, there has been a significant increase in the number of women being in employment on the grounds of the following reasons. In the first place, citizens are following towards gender equality, men and women are treated equally. This leads to women can go out and find suitable jobs for them, no more forced as the homemakers in the family. What’s more, women nowadays want more chances to approach the fabulous outside world. They want to widen their knowledge and never want to be left behind the modern society. Housework can make them low- spirited, and too much maybe can lead to depressed and dejected. Also women can’t make a choice in repeated indispensable chores. That’s why they go out and find a job. Moreover, according to gender equality, men required to share the burdens with women. Consequently, women have redundancy time and find a work not to waste it. Men become the mental support of the women. Last but not least, husbands sometimes can not earn enough money for all family members’ activities. According to gender equality once again, economic burdens need sharing by both men and women. That’s why womankind finds a job; they help men to bring a strong economy to the whole family. To summerize, more and more women go out to work because of its countless benefits for the society. "

Em mới tập viết paragraph thôi nên còn nhiều khiếm khuyết, mong được mọi người giúp đỡ ạ

Answer 1

"Nowadays, there has been a significant increase in the number of women being in employment on the grounds of the following reasons. In the first place, citizens are following towards gender equality, (có thể thêm therefore cho câu trôi chảy hơn nhé) men and women are treated equally. This leads to (the phenomenon that) women can go out and find suitable jobs for them(selves), (because they are) no more (longer) forced as (to be) the homemakers in the family. What’s more, women nowadays want more chances to approach the fabulous outside world. They want to widen their knowledge and never want to be left behind (in) the modern society. Housework can make them low-spirited, and too much maybe can (đã maybe thì đừng can nhé, dùng một trong hai thui) lead to depressed (depression) and dejected (dejection). Also women can’t make a choice in repeated(ly) indispensable chores. That’s why they go out and (to)  find a job. Moreover, according to gender equality, men (are) required to share the burdens with women. Consequently, women have redundancy time and find a work not to waste it (cái này nghĩa còn mông lung quá). Men become the mental support of the women. Last but not least, husbands sometimes can not earn enough money for all family members’ activities. According to gender equality once again, economic burdens need sharing by both men and women. That’s why womankind finds a job; they help men to bring a strong economy to the whole family. To summerize, more and more women go out to work because of its countless benefits for the society. "

Overall thì ý tưởng của bạn cũng ổn nhưng chưa thực sự convincing, bạn còn mắc nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp như là về vị trí của noun/adj/verb. Bạn còn chưa use cái range of vocabulary nhiều cho lắm, và bạn lặp lại cái gender equality khá nhiều. Bạn nhớ chú ý thêm thắt or sửa lại câu với various từ khác nhau nha, và  đừng viết tiếng việt rồi mới dịch qua tiếng anh, bài của bạn vẫn còn hơi hướng "việt" nên cố gắng suy nghĩ trong tiếng anh rồi triển khai luôn nha.

Chúc bạn tiến bộ!
 

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn nhiều nhé!