Bài của bạn có một số sai sót, mình cố gắng khắc phục cho bạn như sau:
It is true that determining the appropriate education method for youngsters is still a controversial issue in many countries
-> vấn đề bài đưa ra không hẳn là method (phương thức) mà thiên về policy (chính sách). These arguements (arguments) often focus on the necessarity of (the) a full time teaching plan for the students before their age of majority. In my opinion, (the full-time education has many advantages, however,I have a trend toward that the school shouldn’t apply the full-time teaching for youngsters)-> đoạn này mình diễn đạt lại chút
-> despite some of obvious advantages of compulsory full-time schooling for underaged students, i am more conviced by the opposite idea that its drawbacks overshadows its benefits.
(In this paragraph, I will discuss the benefits of the full-time teaching which is often popular with the education systems in many countries.)-> không nên nói như thế.
->There are some compelling reasons why many people support the idea of applying a full-time education policy. First of all, this (method)->measure makes the students spend more time for learning. Everyone often conclude that the more time (the) students study, the more knowledge they acquire. Secondly, the application of this education way prevents the outer negative effects on (the)-> không có the vì danh từ đi kèm chỉ chung students. When the schools utilize this method in the education, (the) youngsters are under the supervision of the shool governors for almost a day so that they don’t have time for bad habits (from the outer) arised from Daily activities.
In constract-> in contrast, the full-time education also has many disadvantages for students' development . The sigfinicant drawback of this method is the lack of soft skills for the children. The students may sit at the school for almost a day so that they can’t experience the real social life and learn (the) essential skills for their future such as: (communication with others)->interpersonal skill, team work or
problem- solving skill. If they can be allowed to go to the school for half of a day or also called “part-time education”, they can have (many) -> much time to take part in social services)->activities or voluteering works in order to gain important social skills. Beside, the full-time teaching may put pressure on the students due to knowledge overload and the shortage of leisure time. Therefore, utilizing the part-time education helps the children to achieve the study-life balance so they won’t be overtired and they can still allocate their time for their own habits. Moreover, the part-time education also requires less finacial aids from the student’s family than that of the full-time one.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that the young learners should balance study-life time by social experiences and improving their soft skills rather than studying at school constantly untill the age of 18.
=> mình đang băn khoăn không biết có phải bạn đang chệch hướng bài viết không. Vì theo ý hiểu của mình, người ra đề muốn bàn về việc nên hay không nên để học sinh học toàn thời gian cho đến năm đủ 18t. Mà bài của bạn lại nghiêng về lợi ích của những hoạt động trải nghiệm và kĩ năng mềm? Trường học hoàn toàn có thể dạy hs những kĩ năng đó mà? Có thể bạn đứng một phần về ý full-time, nhưng bài còn 1 ý nữa là 18t->nên học đến lúc đó hay nghỉ học và đi làm luôn?, thì bạn không nói đến.